Rant of Yen....

I'm so excited....

2010-08-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited. I just booked a Labor Day trip to Chicago, and the 3 week wait just may be the death of me. It's also Friday the 13th, so of course, I'm also supposed to be scared, apparently. So there is no more relavent video I could post today to encapsulate this range of emotion of excited AND scared than the one below.

Plus, this video makes me lose it every time I watch. Happy Friday the 13th, y'all. I'll get back to my job now...as soon as I watch this repeatedly. 13 times.

Patches? We don't need no stinking patches!

2010-07-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

I love living in Pasadena. There is absolutely no where else I'd live in the greater LA area. The 'dena has unique restaurants, gorgeous historic architecture (which much of Southern California lacks), it's close to church(aka Dodger Stadium), and it's a fairly walkable town, which is unheard of in LA. And compared to the rest of the City of Angels, there seems to be less gratuitous plastic surgery per capita. WORD.

And now, Pasadena has just gone up a couple notches for me. For the month of July, the city is hosting a FREE film festival every weekend (I could kick myself for not finding this out earlier). And as if this couldn't get any better, are you ready for this Saturday's movie? TROOP BEVERLY HILLS! UH. MUH. GAH.

What classic film were you expecting me to get worked up over? The English Patient? Nay. Here's one thing you should know about Jen: she loves awesomely bad 80's movies, and Troop Beverly Hills is the epitome this genre. She also likes to periodically refer to herself in the third person. Both of these things don't bother her. Deal.

Back to the subject at hand: the cinematic gem that is TBH. Besides Shelley Long's alarmingly fake red hair in the flick, I loved the madcap adventures of Phyllis Nefler and her Wilderness Girls of extreme privilege. It parodies all the ridiculousness that was (and still is) the lifestyle of the wealthy in SoCal. Yet in the midst of all this materialism, this movie manages to have a huge heart. I remember watching the film 3,461 times when I was a wee Girl Scout in middle-class suburbia, wishing I could be so lucky as to have a camping backpack made by Giorgio, and have the opportunity to sell girl scout cookies in Beverly Hills to the likes of Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pia Zadora. Of course, I DID sell Thin Mints and Tagalongs to this guy and his wife every year, but somehow it didn't feel like it counted, as it was a Glendora tract home, and not the hills of Beverly. Of course, now I realize I was fortunate to be a normal girl scout selling cookies in front of the local grocery store, and not through a star-studded telethon. But when you're 9, your life's wishlist is a bit different.

In short, I adore this movie, and I can't wait for Saturday. I'm bringing the fondue.

I don't understand....

2010-06-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

1. Laker fans. They riot if we win, and they riot if we lose. But did you SEE that game last night? Unreal. Pau Gasol may look homeless, but that Spaniard is awesome.

2. Stupid people...it's Friday, and they've been everywhere this week. (I guess this goes hand in hand with #1) WHY are people so stupid? I forget that the rest of the world doesn't necessarily surround themselves with people of intelligence and common sense. If that came off as snobby, I totally meant it that way.

3. Men. Don't understand you people. End of story.

4. Why wine must contain so many calories. It's really cramping my style.

5. Where all the Sex and the City reruns went. They used to be EVERYWHERE. I can only watch so many episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. Ugh.

6. Everybody Loves Raymond (since we're on the subject). People LOVE this show. I don't get it. It portrays husbands as bumbling idiots, and wives as nagging bitches. Yeah, that's NEVER been done in a sitcom before. Way to break new ground. It's painful for me to watch that show.

Happy Friday, y'all.

Gary Coleman

2010-05-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

Arnold Jackson and his black goldfish, Abraham have been reunited in the big fishbowl in the sky. Arnold, maybe now you can ask God what Willis was talkin' about.

Your later years on earth did not look like a happy existence for you. I hope you rest in peace, Gary.

And this is why Pioneer Woman and I should be BFF's.

2010-05-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ask any of my friends...I'm nothing short of a disciple of the Pioneer Woman. I never had any interest in life on a cattle ranch until I started reading her blog. And it just looks like so much darn fun. Hunky husband? Check. Cute kids? Check. Endless photo opportunities on the open plains? Check. Picture taking, cooking, and blog-writing for a living? CHECK. Plus, she's totally my people. I love her fabulous, self-deprecating sense of humor.

Today I read a post she wrote that made me love her a little more. She's the epitome of maturity. Much like myself.

Proof positive that we are kindred souls.

NOTE: I'm not creepy. I have a healthy, non-stalkery respect for PW. Thank you.

Horrifying...

2010-05-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

I just read that Gary Busey is a father again. Can't there be a law requiring that he be sterilized? Or better yet, castrated? That gene pool should not be swam in by ANYONE. Heck, you shouldn't even stick a toe in to test the temperature. Gary Busey's DNA is how mutants are created. (Test results are still pending on this.)

Don't know who Gary Busey is? Consider yourself a better human being than I. Here's a video....

I don't understand....

2010-05-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to make this "I don't understand...." post a regular thing here on the Rant. Now, when I say "regular", God only knows how often that may be, as my posting has fallen embarrassingly short in 2010. I blame Facebook. Or rather, I blame my unhealthy attachment to Facebook. But let's give it a go anyway.

I don't understand....

1. Justin Bieber or "Bieber Fever". Anyone else feel like he looks like Keira Knightly in Domino?
2. Why we still hear about Kate Gosselin.
3. Why "Pretty Wild" has been given airtime on E!. I feel dumber just from seeing the commercials.
4. Why people say liberry, supposably, or Valentime's.
5. Blue Man Group. I've seen it 3 times, and granted, I enjoyed it. But when I think about it, I'm not quite sure why.

More to come...I hope.

I drink coffee now. God help you.

2010-04-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of energy. I made it through college and my twenties without becoming a coffee drinker. People are amazed that I haven't succumbed to what every other American considers a crucial morning ritual. In fact, I don't drink caffeine at ALL. It makes me too jittery and nervous. I get BEYOND hyper. Don't like what it does to me.

Until now. My office was recently given one of those espresso machines. It makes individual cups of coffee from these little pods, and also has a separate machine to make milk foam. I decided to see what all the fuss was about, because everyone seems to be worshipping at the teet of this machine. So I had my pal Pants (an ex-Starbucks barista) walk me through the steps of making a latte. It's all a blur now, but there was sugar involved, and somewhere along the way caramel syrup was added as well. And the foam...oh the heavenly foam. Topped off with a cross-hatch of caramel sundae syrup, I was SOLD. I'm now on my 5th consecutive workday of a 10am coffee break. When my co-workers see me stride back to the break room with my mug, they know it means trouble. By Tuesday, Jasmin was advising people to grab a helmet as I walked back.

This is a Disney interpretation of what my co-workers go through when the blessed java hits my system:

Mixed Message

2010-03-30T14:16:00.001-07:00

This is what sits outside the building where I work.

Um, really folks? REALLY?

The Japanese think they're pretty funny with that Wii contraption.

2010-03-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

My future bro-in-law showed me a piece of YouTube comedic gold last night, and it must be shared and passed on to the masses. And by "masses", I'm referring to the 4 people that read this blog. Yes, I'm up from 3. My mom reads it now.

This is a clip from Australia's version of the "Today" show. The hosts are trying out Wii Curling. On a side note, I think the sport of curling was invented by a woman, as a way to get men psyched about sweeping. But that's another post. Enjoy the video, and you're welcome....

I'm telling you, if Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera did this, they wouldn't have to worry about falling behind in the ratings with Good Morning America. Stephanopoulos (sp?) would be crushed.

3 things I never thought I'd say....but said tonight.

2010-02-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

-"Should I hold on to this 6 yards of green plaid John Deere fabric or throw it away?"

-"This McSnack Wrap is delectable."

-"Poor Boner."

Inefficient Laziness....

2010-02-22T22:38:00.000-08:00

After dinner tonight, I went into the kitchen to clean up after myself, and the dirty frying pan, rice cooker, plate, glass, cutting board, and utensils were too much for me to fathom cleaning at that moment. Even worse, the dishwasher was not an option, as it was already running. I had no choice but to wash them BY HAND. Ugh. This is one of those things my friend Vrej refers to as one of my "first world problems". And he's totally right. But I still wasn't going to wash my dishes.

So I head back upstairs for a while and finish a couple other chores that didn't seem so "difficult". I padded down the stairs about an hour later to find that the dishes HAD NOT CLEANED THEMSELVES. After the shock wore off, I noticed the dishwasher had finished running. I then had the brilliant idea that if I just emptied the dishwasher, I could pop my dishes in there, and avoid washing them altogether. Genius. Except for this: the amount of time I spent emptying the dishwasher, putting it's contents in their correct spots, followed by rinsing my dirty (and now dried up) dishes and placing them in took more time than if I'd just washed them by hand in the first place.

But hey, I avoided the hassle of HAVING TO GRAB THE DISH SOAP. My name is Jen, and I excel at inefficient laziness. Score one for me.

Attention: Cookies

2010-02-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

An open letter to the cookies on my kitchen counter:

Dear "Chocolate Wows",

Stop torturing me. I'm working out. I'm eating well. And yet I ended up in your trance for the third day in a row. Leave me alone.

Also, your name is retarded.

Signed,
Jen

The Grammys: My Stream of Conciousness

2010-01-31T23:41:00.000-08:00

Paris and Prince Michael Jackson…you’re breaking my heart. Poor babies. I just want to hug you both. Good job, kiddos.

Stevie Nicks, slowly back away from the shoulder pads. It’s no longer ethereal looking. It’s retarded.

Taylor Swift, I love your songs. You have a gift, but what happened during the live performance tonight? Nails on a chalkboard, honey. However, your Album of the Year speech was so sweet, genuine, and humble; I can’t help but be happy for you.

Why don’t I keep 3D glasses in my house at the ready?

Smokey Robinson….are you preserved with formaldehyde?

Dave Matthews, you’re just awesome. Spot on, every time.

Celine Dion, allow me to buy you a hamburger. Please eat it.

Jon Bon Jovi, ever since you cut your hair, when I see your face, all I see Charlie Bucket from the original Willy Wonka movie. Jon, if you need a doppelganger Facebook profile pic, Charlie’s the way to go.

Beyonce, if anyone’s going to bring back chain mail, it’s going to be you and that dress.

Ricky Martin: lame presenter. But I’d like to take this moment to thank the Grammy people for NOT giving him the opportunity to perform. You know he would have dusted off “She Bangs” and thought it rocked.

Roberta Flack, you sang just lovely. But you looked totally high, and I’m pretty sure if someone asked you what your name was, you’d reply with “The blue fairies driving that Gremlin say I’m the Cookie Monster."

Lady Gaga, that’s enough. Love your songs, but figuring out your outfits absolutely exhausts me.

Elton John = Frankenstein. You're a phenomenal musician, but tonight, you looked...odd. Of course, I guess that's been the cornerstone of your career. The O.G. Lady Gaga.

Quentin Tarantino…um, what? You’re one weird cat.

Lil’ Wayne, pull up your pants.

My newest investment...because I'm awesome.

2010-01-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

Today I stopped by Old Navy, because I wanted to stock up on clothes that look like total crap after 2 washings. Two tank tops for $10 mysteriously seems to win over the buyer's remorse I feel when my purchases are lifeless and threadbare before I even take them out of the bag when I get them home. And yet I return again...and again.

But today was different. The most pleasant surprise I got from my sojourn cost a mere $4. Isn't it terribly charming? And purple? I think it just might be love....
No folks, it's not a pipe. It's a purple see-through plastic recorder. If anyone happened to spend their childhood years under a rock, a recorder is the first musical instrument most public school kids get shoved in their hands. And I was no exception. I played the crap out of my little beige recorder. And had the recorder makers of the 80's had the foresight to make them purple, you might have seen a musical commitment from me that would have made Yo-Yo Ma look like a screw off. But alas, the world never got to experience that untapped talent. Until today. I've already dusted off two of my favorite jams: Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle...and Hot Cross Buns. And boy, were those buns HOT tonight. And quite cross.

Check out the quality craftsmanship:
Who knew Old Navy was now a supplier of sub-par musical instruments? I'll be going back next week to scour the shelves in the hopes of finding a hot-pink glockenspiel. But for now, excuse me...I have to go practice. I'm trying to master the Mozart Requiem by sunrise.

In My Head....

2010-01-27T11:25:00.000-08:00

This is the song that I'm desperately trying to get out of my head this morning. It's from one of my favorite musicals, Avenue Q, and it's not really a song that's appropriate for me as a Human Resources employee to be singing in the office.

WARNING: If you're at work or have little kids around...be careful with the volume. The lyrics are definitely NSFW.

I can't believe I put the abbreviation 'NSFW' on one of my posts. I feel like Perez Hilton. EW.

More office fun...and Larry King.

2010-01-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

As you can probably tell, I've changed the template on the ol' Rant of Yen. I was tired of all the green, and needed to shake things up. As my co-worker, Jasmin was skimming through the Rant this morning, she calls my office, and informs me of the following...

"You know, as I've been reading your blog, I've realized your new background reminds me of the Larry King Show. So when I'm reading your posts, all I'm thinking of is Larry King."

Great. When people think of me, they're thinking of an impossibly old frog-man in suspenders. Named LARRY. Who sometimes also looks like an alien or a Simpsons character. This does not help to promote the obvious sexiness that I strive to maintain on this site.

Methinks another template change might be required.

Today at the Office

2010-01-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

It's been cold and rainy here in LA the last few days. I welcome it. I love the rain, and my obsession with all things weather-related reaches a fever pitch this time of the year. Ask anyone that knows me well about this ridiculous weather fascination of mine. A good tornado video is like porn to me. I'M. A. DORK.

The only downside to cold weather is that the building I work in is SO poorly insulated, I think it may actually be made with tinker toys (unconfirmed). Consequently, the office inside is an ice box when it's cold outside, even though the heat is on. My office mate wears a beanie on his balding head all day long, and I'm wearing my jacket. Then I got a brilliant beyond brilliant idea this morning. Here is our exchange:

Me: Hey Bizz, let's get matching Snuggies for our office!

Bizz: (Pausing, with an incredulous look) NO.

Me: C'mon, how funny would--

Bizz: No, Jen. NO.

He was insistent. It's funny what things people will take a firm stance on. With Obama, it's health care. For Bizz, it's a cheap backwards robe blankety thing. But in my defense, this is same man that just last week chased me down the parking lot and into the street with a dead rat in a box. I really thought that getting him on board for this craziness would be easy. Nay, sir.

After hearing our conversation, one of our co-workers walked in and introduced us to this piece of YouTube beauty:

Fantastic.

Firsts for 2010

2010-01-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

The new year may only be 10 days old, but I've already done 3 new things that I'm excited about.

New thing #1- First Football Game: I went to my first football game (outside of high school football, which hardly counts), and what a big one it was! It was the BCS championship game at the Rose Bowl between Alabama and Texas last week. AND IT WAS FREE. Allow me to explain....

My friend (and roomie) Rebecca and I took the afternoon off work, and headed down to the Rose Bowl to see what has been going on in our Pasadena backyard. Our objective was not to go to the game (we did not have tickets), but rather soak up the human experience in the form of redneck tailgaters. And while neither of us had any specific allegiance to either team, we decided to root for Alabama. For me, some of my good friends are die hard Bama fans, and for Becca, Alabama is closer in geographic proximity to her home state of Georgia. Hey, it's better than picking them based on who had the prettiest uniforms.

Upon arrival at the tailgate party outside the Rose Bowl, our first order of business was beer. This turned out to be more difficult than I expected. We waited an hour for Bud Light. At least it was cold. Because of the long line, the only sensible thing to do was to buy two. So I did.
Becca knows her beer. And she knows what's crap, and what's good. So consequently, she's NEVER HAD A BUD LIGHT. Why would she? Since that was the only option, she sucked it up and braved the nastiness. You can tell she's a little unsure of the drink she's just committed to.
But like any good girl, she drained that puppy. Such pride for my pal Becca.
After the beers and a phenomenal bratwurst, we wandered over to the Goo-Goo Dolls concert that was being put on by ESPN. It was what you'd expect of a Goo-Goo Dolls show...it was fine. Nothing earth shattering. We staked out a spot, which is where we came across this gallant gentleman:He likes boobs.

Then we meet these guys, who are the brothers of one of my co-workers (she's not pictured). After they got interviewed by CBS for their fabulous attire, the one on the left asked us if we wanted to go to the game. We said that it would be fun, but we really couldn't afford scalped ticket prices, and our plan was just to be a part of the tailgating fun and go home. That was unacceptable. He then quickly procured a couple tickets, tossed them in my popcorn bag, and told us to have fun. To which Rebecca asked, "Um, are we gonna have to sleep with you for these?"

We didn't. He was just that generous. Wow. Here's me with my ticket and my kettle corn.

We got inside the stadium just in time for fireworks and the national anthem.

Kickoff!
An incredible night, and a fabulous game. Thanks Paul, our mysterious ticket man, wherever you are.

New Thing #2- Baking: I'm no slouch in the kitchen, but baking is not my forte. I get worried that everything I bake is going to be undercooked, so consequently everything is overdone and dried out. Delish. In my quest to become a better baker, my mom gave me a Kitchen-Aid mixer for Christmas, and it's the best toy I've gotten in years. (Note: Referring to a kitchen appliance as a 'toy' officially makes you an adult...in a little bit o' denial.) Anyway, I made chocolate chip banana bread last night, and I'm terribly proud of it. It tasted like heaven. I even documented the action, just for you. You're welcome.

My mess.
The finished product. Not burned. Moist. Delicious. A success.

New Thing #3- Blogging: I've been MIA for well over a month, and my blogging record has not been stellar over the last few months. So this is my first 2010 post, making it my last new thing. I guess that's good because it means I'm out there living life. I'm just not telling both my readers about it. That is, if I even have 2 readers left....hello? Hello?

I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it again, but I'm gonna try better with the blogging. I'm always happier if I'm writing. Remind me of this later when I become an apathetic blogger again. Thanks.

Happy 2010!

Jake.

2009-12-04T20:42:00.000-08:00

If this doesn't get to you, I don't know what to say, except that you might actually be a robot.

A beautiful thing.

2009-11-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

I don't know who they are, but whoever drew this should be my friend.

Found it here.

You know you're in LA when....

2009-11-09T23:24:00.000-08:00

...you're in a car on your way to Groundling's class, sitting at a red light outside Pink's Hot Dog stand. You notice a news crew doing an interview of a man in a suit holding a hot dog. Then a Hasidic Jew wearing rollerblades glides by.

I love LA.

Dear Twilight....

2009-10-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Twilight/New Moon,

I'm not getting everyone's fascination with you. Enough already.

Regards,
Jen

Something I might have said in the last hour....

2009-10-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

"Last night was living proof that God just might be a Dodgers fan." Because God really has the time (or the care) to have partiality in terms of baseball.

BUT SERIOUSLY, DID YOU SEE THIS???

I love these boys. LOVE. THEM.

This Just In....

2009-10-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone, stop what you're doing. I just heard that Britney Spears bought a parakeet.

Yeah, I don't care either. I just figured since I had to read it (and can't get that 8 seconds of my life back), that I would inflict it on everyone else.

Go on with your lives now. And, you're welcome.

When it comes to scary, I'm a weenie.

2009-09-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

The Wizard of Oz was has been re-mastered and re-released for the movie's 70th anniversary. It's one of my favorite childhood movies of all time. I have it memorized frontwards and backwards. So when the movie was showing on TBS Sunday night, OF COURSE I had to watch it. And while I was watching, I was reminded of this: The Wicked Witch of the West is one SCARY bitch. That green face and draping black robe typical of that character has been repeated in Halloween costumes over and over, but Margaret Hamilton's portrayal of the witch disturbed the crap out of me as a kid. And it still does. It's that face. Those eyes. Oh, those EYES. In some scenes, I still have to look away. At 31 years old.

I just got the shivers.

I'm not good with scary/horror movies. I'm a chicken, and I steer clear of them. So obviously, the villains in these types of movies scare the bejesus out of me. And the Wizard of Oz is not classified as a scary movie, but the Wicked Witch of the West puts all villains to shame. Freddy Kruger? Nah. Jason? Nope. That creepy kid from Children of the Corn? Meh.

Let it be known that the last thing I'm doing to this post is adding the picture above. I literally can't look at her while I type. When it comes to scary, I can only handle things that are scary/funny, like this:
Yes, Oompa Loompas are scary. Short, orange people are creepy, and should never be trusted. Which is also why you should keep your kids and midgets away from cheap self-tanner, but that's a rant for another day.

ATTENTION

2009-09-03T16:20:00.001-07:00

It's ketchup, not catsup.

Pioneer Woman

2009-09-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Many who know me are aware of my admiration for Pioneer Woman. She can cook anything (in the most beautiful kitchen I've ever seen), her photography is exquisite, and she writes my favorite blog on the internets. She's releasing her first cookbook next month. And when a book is released, there is always the inevitable book tour. PW is no exception.

Pioneer Woman Book Tour

She's hoping to add a west coast stop, and I'm crossing my fingers for it being anywhere near LA.

I just might piddle.

The Hills.

2009-08-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

This just in: MSN.com is reporting that Audrina Patridge might be leaving The Hills.

Oh wait....that's right. I don't give a crap about that fake reality show.

As you were.

The ability to breathe is highly overrated....

2009-08-29T01:28:00.000-07:00

The pic I posted of the La Canada fire yesterday has gotten exponentially bigger. And scarier. For those of you that don't have the 'pleasure' of living in CA and experiencing wildfire season, it's a barrel of monkeys. Really. Nothing better than seeing a wall of flames come flying down a hill towards your home. It's a helpless feeling. And the air is HORRIBLE. There is dirt and ash on every surface outside.

Thankfully, this is the view out the window of my office building, not my own house. But it's still unreal to watch it unfold right in front of us. There are hundreds of people that live here that are currently under an evacuation. Several of my church friends and co-workers live here in La Canada, and I pray the fire spares their homes. These pictures really don't capture what it looks like, but it gives an idea....

The firefighters are aerial crews are doing an amazing job at fighting this blaze...my co-workers and I watched the planes and helicopters all day totally mesmorized. So far no homes have been lost. To all the firemen: keep it up guys, and stay safe!

It's beginning to look a lot like...fire season.

2009-08-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

So this was happening outside the window at the office today....
The morning was spent looking outside at what looked like snow falling. Granted, it was ashes, and it's 105 degrees outside. But when it comes to snow in LA (in August), beggars can't be choosers.

Methinks that California's wildfire season has commenced. Oh, yippee.

DWTS: My Suggestions

2009-08-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

I was a little disappointed with this week's Dancing With the Stars lineup for the upcoming season. Frankly, I thought it was a big yawn. As I first read the list, I was saying "Um, who?" for half the names. In case you're out of the loop, or smart enough to stay away from reality TV, here's the lineup:

Donny Osmond
Tom DeLay
Kelly Osborne
Michael Irvin
Kathy Ireland
Joanna Krupa
Debi Mazar
Maci Gray
Louie Vito
Aaron Carter
Melissa Joan Hart
Ashley Hamilton
Mark Dacascos
Natalie Coughlin
Mya
Chuck Liddell

ABC, can't you do better than that? After reading that lineup of lameness, I've decided to offer up my services, and create a list of my own. Here are my contestants, in no particular order:

Chuck Norris
Carol Channing
Bill Gates
Tom Green
Dolly Parton
Christopher Lloyd (wearing the Doc Brown wig)
Tommy Lasorda
Rainn Wilson
Chelsea Clinton
Amy Poehler
Mike Tyson
Tiffany
Dave Chappelle
Carol Burnett
John Travolta

TELL me that wouldn't be the highest rated season ever. You've got a solid mix of celebs from the world of business, politics, sports, and entertainment. And it still is chock full of has-beens (a DWTS staple). The only difference is that the ones I chose are awesome. ABC, take note. I won't even sue you for stealing my list. Provided that Chuck Norris wears sequins, and Carol Channing does NOT show her midriff at ANY time.

100 Things I Love....

2009-08-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

And now, the 100 things I love...again, it's still tiny as all hell.

100 things that SUCK.

2009-08-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

This post and the post that will follow in a few minutes are stolen from another blog. Kind of. There's a fun little website called Wordle that allows you to take various lists of words and convert them into these fun arrangements. SUCH a time-sucker. But it was fun to do. First off, 100 things that Suck, according to Yen....

I guess you have to click on it to make it bigger...can't figure out how to publish it normal size. So I guess 101st thing that sucks is my understanding of Wordle and HTML.

*Update: I rule. I made it bigger. But not HUGE, so I just moderately rule.

Confession Time

2009-08-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen that scene at the beginning of Pretty Woman where Vivian (Julia Roberts) is getting dressed for, ahem...'work' for the evening, and after she puts her boots on, she colors in the scuffs with a black marker? My junior high mind grabbed onto that technique and thought it was pure genius. I'm slightly ashamed to announce that scene prompted a Sharpie to be my shoe polish of choice for my teen years. And to say it stopped there would be a lie. I keep a Sharpie in my pencil cup at my desk at work, and have been known to use it on my shoes for several shoe-emergencies. Which includes 10 minutes ago. It works like a charm. A ghetto-fabulous charm, but a charm nonetheless.

Congrats, Mom. You've raised a true lady. But you'll be relieved to know that's the ONLY habit I took from Julia's character in that movie. I ain't no streetwalker.

Biggest "duh" of the news day...

2009-07-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

Shockingly, a study has come out today saying that tanning beds cause skin cancer.

Well DUH, CNN.

Next, you're going to tell me that jumping into a pool of hungry piranhas could lead to death. Does it REALLY??!

This is what gets me hot.

2009-07-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

My office mate, Jasmin, walked into our little office the other day, handed me something, and said the following:

"Here. I brought you some porn."

It was the Pottery Barn catalog. Be still my beating heart. I love that my co-workers know me so well, and indulge me in my addictions.

For those readers that don't know, I work in HR. And yes, we make references to porn. We are ALWAYS at the height of professionalism.

Breakfast of Champions

2009-07-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had a potluck at work. As with any potluck, there's always a TON of food leftover. As my co-worker and I peered into the fridge this morning, we were met with several breakfast possibilities, none of which were healthy or typical for breakfast. Please take into consideration that last night I bent down in my kitchen to pick something up, and the button fell, (nay, FLEW) off my shorts. On top of that, I'm still expected to wear a bathing suit in public at least 3 more times during the summer. That should have been enough to convince me to eat yogurt and flax seed for two weeks. SHOULD HAVE.

We settled on macaroni and cheese, and pesto pasta salad. FABU. To add insult to injury...what happens after you carbo-load? A slammin' food coma. At 9:45 am. I'm going to be a stellar employee today. My company is lucky to have me.

*apologies for the blogging hiatus. Been travelling around the east coast for the last week or so. Pictures to come...if I can get my act together. :)

What's the Difference?

2009-07-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

Today, my friend and I were having lunch at lovely Pho place in Montrose. For those of you not familiar with Pho, it's a Vietnamese soup with noodles, beef, and an array of other sauces, veggies, and herbs you can add to make it your own.

We weren't sure how big the portions were, and we were debating on whether we should order a small or a large. So we asked our pleasant waitress, "What's the difference between the small and the large?"

Her answer: "The size."

Uh yeah, thanks.

An interesting side note: One of the condiments you can add to your Pho is spicy chili. Do yourself a favor: Don't spill a bunch of it on the table, try to clean it up, then later wipe your nose with fingers that likely have chili remnants on them. Your nostrils will be on fire for the duration of your meal, and beyond. Kind of like mine are right now.

Keeping it classy. And random.

2009-06-28T22:29:00.000-07:00

In my continuing fascination with all things that grow, tonight I was hoping to post a picture of what I'm confident is the biggest lemon in at least 83 states. (I'm aware there are only 50 states, I'm just trying to express how huge this monolith is.) My parents have a freakish lemon tree in their backyard that grows huge fruit, and this dear arbor has outdone itself this time. This sucker was somewhere between the size of a grapefruit and a cantaloupe. But after all this buildup of what was sure to be your most exciting stop on the web this evening, I didn't have my camera to capture the glory. So sorry, dear reader. First the losses of Michael and Farrah, now this lemon thing. I'm a monster for inflicting this on you.

BUT WAIT! DON'T HIT THE BACK BUTTON!

I have a plan B for tonight's post. I know you're inconsolable, but perhaps you can drown your sorrows in this. Below is a picture of the beer that was served at the wedding I coordinated last night.
Your eyes do not deceive you. It is indeed "Doggie Style" beer.

Some Cuteness and Slight Abuse for your Saturday

2009-06-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

A Bumper Sticker I Fancy....

2009-06-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

I care about the environment. But my vanity takes over when it comes to my car. Until car manufacturers can make more attractive looking hybrids that don't look like tuna cans, I will continue to drive Klaus, my gas-drinkin' Jetta. I realize some car companies are finally making strides towards better looking hybrids, but I'm not moved to change over yet. But I saw a bumper sticker on a Prius yesterday that made me laugh enough to consider a switch.

"I beat up 5 hippies, and all I got was this lousy Prius."

Well played, humorous Prius driver. For a while, I was convinced the only bumper decor allowed on a Prius were stickers either to support Obama or saving the planet. Or those state-issued stickers that let you roll in the carpool lane. None of which I'm necessarily against, but something gets lost when EVERY Prius seems to sport the same stuff. No one wants to wear the same outfit to a party as everyone else. The purpose of a bumper sticker is to make your car a little more unique.

In other breaking bumper sticker news, on my way home just a few minutes ago, I came across another one I enjoyed. Short, sweet, and to the point:

"Don't Hit Me."

Oh Amen, brother. AMEN.

I'm the freaking wizard of gardening.

2009-06-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

So I picked this from my patio plant. It's the first thing the patio has yielded besides black widows and other 6-8 legged creatures. Things are looking up.
I labored over what I was going to do with the solitary lime. And then it came to me. It was so obvious.

Ahhhhhhh...lovely. But this was obviously not for my own pleasure. It was merely to test the validity of the other 10 budding limes still on the branches, even though they are months from being ready for picking.

Result: Very promising. Margarita party at my house. Probably mid-November. Mark your calendars.

Spellcheck iz importente in yer online datin profyle

2009-06-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

In my continuing online dating saga, I joined catholicmatch.com. I left behind the freak show that was Plenty of Fish, and am hoping that a more faith-based site might yield some more decent dudes. While I was perusing the profiles of my matches, I came across this opening line that amused me:

"Hi everyone, I would like to find someone special and with a good hearth."

Who knew that the men of LA just wanted a gal with a decent fireplace? Or maybe this guy is a chimney sweep.

Love Affair.

2009-06-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

God help me, I love butter. LOVE IT.

Stud Muffin.

2009-06-05T14:43:00.001-07:00

In case you haven't heard, I adore this man.

Yes, I adore Barry Manilow. And yes, I realize he's wearing crushed red velvet. And yes, I realize his nose and haircut make him look like a baby bird. And yes, I realize he's gay. But I actually didn't know that until my friends told me at 23 years of age. I was shocked. It just never occurred to me. And I don't know why.

I'm happy when people aren't afraid to look ridiculous.

2009-06-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a little less annoyed with the Jonas Brothers after watching this. I love when pop tarts look like absolute idiots, and aren't afraid of doing it.

Knowing what a lack of musical taste I had when I was 11, if these guys had been around in 1989, I'm sure I would have followed them to the ends of the earth. I already had that hysteria in my youth with a little band called New Kids on the Block. Don't get me wrong, JoBros, this video has not even remotely turned me into a fan of yours. Your music still annoys me to no end. However, I now have a shred of respect for your ability to create humor. Kudos.

Nowadays, I prefer to sit back and listen to my Barry Manilow CD's. That's right kids. CD's. I'm old-school. Heck, I just joined iTunes two weeks ago. Gimme a break! Ooo, Gimme a Break...that was a great TV show. WHAT'S GIMME A BREAK, YOU ASK??!?!?!?! Ah, forget it...I know I lost you way back at Barry Manilow.

I am...Chuck Mangione.

2009-06-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

My friends shot this video just over a month ago, then tossed it up on YouTube. And tonight, in an effort to keep my momentum of regular posts going I thought, "Why don't I just cast my dignity aside and post that video on the ol' blog?" Which reminds me, I shouldn't listen to every suggestion I give myself. But I'm just so damn obedient.

Two things I'd like you to know before you watch this video:

1. I don't do drugs.
2. And while yes, I do drink, alcohol wasn't involved either. Just pure exhaustion. I was half asleep when this was taken.

Um, enjoy?

*PROGRAM NOTE: Yenny Cash is my alias in the "band" I'm in with two of my favorite ladies, Skmaximus Black and Liz Roswell. I call it a "band" because we've only had one rehearsal, and this and this was what came from it. On top of that, we've only had one paid gig, and we were lip-syncing. Believe it or not, we were ALL music majors in college.

Sweet Sounds of the Brits

2009-05-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

Couldn't you just listen to someone with a British accent for hours on end? I know I could. No matter what they say, it always comes out sounding classy. They could say, "You see, the other day I killed a bloke by completely disemboweling him, and now I wear his guts for garters because I'm a heartless bastard", and it would sound absolutely dignified. And you'd want to hear MORE about it, just because the accent sounds like linguistic music.

Someone Explain This to Me....

2009-05-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a short post, as I don't want much blog space wasted on this pondering. But I need to bring it up, if only for a brief moment.

A first for me today...I just watched a full episode of The Hills.

Why do people watch this? I really want to understand.

What was required to get through my workday without losing it...

2009-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

-3 Brownies
-Walnut Square Bar from See's Candies (that bastardly store has the nerve to be right across the street from my office, staring at me all the live-long day)
-Reese's peanut butter cups
-a final act of sugar desperation was half a sugar cookie left behind on a cookie tray in the breakroom (yeah, I'm officially gross)

And that was me showing restraint. The damage could have been more extensive. And it has been worse in the past. But not since my Lent sugar-embargo commenced has there been such carnage. But with not having much sugar anymore, then introducing it back is making my body give me the middle finger. I feel like a lump 'o crap now.

I have an excuse. And no, it's not PMS. It's just been nuts here in the office this week. I don't want to make false declarations about my Friday night, but we might be leaving the sugar behind for good ol' fashioned liquor.

Beer, Transformers, and dorks.

2009-05-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

This evening, I enjoyed a few impromptu beers at the Yard House with my roomie and pals. We had a fabulous evening with tons of laughs, but all good things must come to an end, so we headed home. Turns out the real entertainment was on that short stroll back to our casa. We crossed the street from the bar to the Pasadena Convention Center. For ten o'colck at night, there was LOTS going on in there. Inside we could see a huge line of nerds going down the hall. Since we were slightly toasty, we boldly rapped on the window, and motioned to a dork to come over to enlighten us. He opened a door, and proceeded to inform us they were in line to get inside the TRANSFORMERS CONVENTION. Did you know such a thing existed? Yeah, neither did we.

Before we knew it, there was another dork behind us, desperate to talk to our Informer Dork, saying something about some discs he had for him. Then he mentioned Go-Bots. I swear. I can't make this stuff up.

But our rendezvous was short-lived. A security guard made Informer Dork close the door and get back in line. We made our way home, but not before passing by many a dork making the pilgrimage to Transformer-Mecca. We even found a few wayward dorks walking by our condo, and pointed them in the right direction toward their destination.

Just so you know our night was the real deal, roomie took a pic on her camera phone:
I love my town.

If you're out and about in Pasadena tonight, know that the city is TEEMING with nerds. Be sure to have your light saber on you. You never know when you're going to face some sort of Vulcan mind meld. Wait...are light sabers and Vulcan from the same thing? I'm thinking they aren't.

My newest inappropriate catch phrase.

2009-05-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

As I explained in a recent post, the English language is fun to get creative with. Today, my co-worker Tamara introduced me to a doozy that I will be immediately integrating into my vernacular. Coming soon to a conversation near you....

"HOLY WHORE!"

It's slightly less crude than "holy shit!" (Whoops, I just said it anyway. Sorry Mom.), and the added bonus is that it's an oxymoron. Unless I want to get in a big ol' discussion about it could refer to Mary Magdalene, so it technically wouldn't be an oxymoron, but I really don't feel like having a biblical showdown. Sorry folks, this girl doesn't have the energy to delve into her Catholicity tonight. And apparently Catholicity is a word...spell check isn't berating me. Score.

P.S. And yes, I realize it's been almost a month since my last post. To BOTH of my readers, my apologies. And holy whore, what a great way to make my comeback tonight.

Stupid Mass Hysteria

2009-05-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

I just saw this on another blog. I HAD to share such an important piece of information. It's the most level-headed thing I've seen on the internet regarding swine flu.

Do I have swine flu?

Poor piggies. They're getting such a bad rap. Throughout this craziness, I will remain an avid supporter of pigs. Especially ones in the form of sweet and sour pork, ribs, or bacon. And look, aren't we cute together?

Deeeeee-lish.

My Favorite Word....

2009-04-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

...is DOUCHEBAG. As any of my co-workers know, I LOVE saying "douchebag". And actually, it turns out that typing it is quite entertaining for me as well. And it can be used in it's modified forms as well (i.e. douchebaggery or douchebaggedness). It's the 12 year-old in me, but the idea that you can insult someone by telling them they're a sack of vinegar and water makes me giggle.

Douchebag is the only word that isn't an actual cuss word, yet still satisfies just as much when it rolls off the tongue. And it comes without the guilt of an F-bomb. Don't get me wrong, I'm not likely to shout out "douchebag!" at church this Sunday. I'm not completely devoid of social graces. I know the appropriate time and place.

Many thanks to all you douchebags that continue to come back and read the mindless trash that is this blog. :)

More Online Dating Ridiculousness....

2009-04-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

In previous posts, I've mentioned some of my disturbing contacts from the free dating site, Plenty of Fish. I said I was done with internet dating sites, and I meant it. I'm burnt out on conversing with horny dillholes. However, I haven't taken my profile off the site yet, because the messages I get are such FABULOUS blog-fodder that I can't bring myself to cut it off completely. I just sit back, relax, and read the asinine messages that roll in. Like this one from earlier today:

hi can i chat with you, dont worry i will get a vasectomy so i will never ever get you pregnant ok, now can we chat.

The grammer nazi that I am isn't going to go into the horrific run-on sentence this is, or it's use of incorrect punctuation. The fact is that a man I've never talked to, MUCH LESS EVEN MET, has offered me the "gift" of his vasectomy.

Has 21st century wooing evolved into offering a snipped vas deferens? Call me old-fashioned, but I'd rather just be given a bunch of daisies. Yeah, thanks.

Explaining the Unexplained....

2009-04-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

For years, mysterious crop circles have appeared in fields that cannot be explained. But here in Pasadena, we don't have any fields to be puzzled over. But we do have miles of concrete, which is the perfect breeding ground for another unexplained phenomenon:

POOP CIRCLES.

I've seen many a pavement poop circle in the 8+ months I've lived here, but I never seem to have my camera with me to document the weirdness. Until today. I wonder why this person has made THIS their personal mission. Maybe they think it's their civic duty to save the bottoms of their fellow citizens' shoes via chalk circles. Maybe they want to scold lazy dog walkers. But whatever the reason, there's undoubtedly some passion behind it.

And the Pasadena Poop Circler (PPC) will change things up a bit. Sometimes they will deviate from the simple circle, and draw a cute little cloud around the pile of dung. And if it's laying in the grass adjacent to the sidewalk, they will draw a helpful little "POOP------>" , with a helpful arrow pointing towards it.

Who is the PPC? A courteous crapping canine possessing incredible dexterity with a piece of chalk? But the most likely scenario...it's probably just an eccentric Pasadena poop-a-phobe. But I still like the idea of a artistic dog with chalk and endless bowel movements. Let me live in my fantasy world.

My ultimate dream in this situation is to find some brown chalk to draw a small likeness of a swirling pile of doo next to the already established circles. Just to see if my chalk drawing gets a chalk circle from the elusive PPC.

Hmmm. I wonder if CVS is still open. And sells colored chalk.

NOTE: Devoting an entire post about feces makes me think I should clear up any confusion: I am a 30 year-old woman, not a 13 year-old boy. In case you were wondering.

My Politically Incorrect Doggy Bag

2009-04-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

I busted into some leftover thai food for dinner tonight. Upon closer inspection, I noticed what the take-out container said:I didn't think that referring to things as "Oriental" was acceptable anymore. Am I wrong? Or is this 1952?

An Open Letter to Girl Scout Cookies....

2009-03-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Stop looking at me. I gave you up for Lent. In fact, it's not just you...I gave ALL sugar up for Lent. Trust me, I'd eat you by the SLEEVE if I could, but I can't. I made a promise, and I think that promise has even helped me shed a couple pounds. So see??? It's been a good thing for me.

We will rendezvous the day after Easter, on my couch. I swear. I'll be the one with the tall glass of milk. In the meantime, just stay in the freezer and leave me the hell alone.

Thanks,
Jen

My Wish.

2009-03-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

Do you remember wearing banana clips in your hair? In case you don't remember (or are a guy, and have no earthly business knowing what they are), here are a few:

This is NOT a banana clip:

Sorry, found the above picture while I was searching on google image...I HAD to figure out a way to use it in this post. Back to the hair care subject at hand.

I love banana clips. I pine for them. And my wish is that they were cool again. Back when they were in style, I was 13, and my hair looked like this:

This is not me. It's Dorothy Hamill during some Olympic medal ceremony. But that is EXACTLY what my hair looked like. Not banana clip-friendly. Or looking-like-a-girl-friendly either. But that is a WHOLE other can of worms we're not going to address today.

Now I have long, thick hair. With a set of hot rollers and a banana clip, I would be unstoppable. (At least in my head I would be.) Plenty of things have come back in style. For instance, skinny jeans made a return to being trendy, so why can't banana clips? Maybe in the meantime, I will go ahead and bring them back anyway. Lindsay Lohan brought leggings back into our lives without asking our opinion, so I will charge forward with the banana clip movement.

Who's with me?? Anyone?

No one?

Crap.

Well, how about we bring banana clips back, Levar Burton style?

*It's plain to see I had WAY to much fun on Google Image this morning.

Plenty of fish in the sea? More like plenty of FREAKS.

2009-03-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

I think I'm done with internet dating that doesn't cost money. Not to say that the paid sites aren't teeming with weirdos, because they are. They're all a cross-section of society, so no matter where you go, some of our fellow humans we meet are just downright strange. I've used both Match.com and Eharmony in the past, but I've gotten considerably more odd messages from the free sites. Most notably, http://www.plentyoffish.com/.

Today, I bring you another charming internet dating exchange, compliments of the aforementioned Plenty of Fish. The following is an email I received from a member no more than 30 minutes ago:

"How would you like to have a guy give you a nice foot massage, then suck your toes and lick your feet while you relax for as long as you want? Let me know if you would be interested. Looking forward to hearing from you soon! Alex"

Ready? Set? GROSS.

No, I didn't mention 'hang out with my totally awesome feet' as one of my interests on my dating profile. And by the way, I did not change his name to protect his anonymity. Alex doesn't deserve protection. WOMEN are the ones needing protection from a creepshow that thinks this is an ok way to introduce themselves. Ladies, if you're surfing through Plenty of Fish, and a foot-loving dude named Alex sends you a message, save yourself the 12 seconds of message reading, and delete without remorse. Unless you're strangely proud of your feet...and if that's the case, you crazy kids just might hit it off.

And you know what? That's not even the worst message I've received while being on this site. But I can't bring myself to post them because they're pure trash. While I know I can post whatever the hell I want on my blog, I'd still like this forum to maintain a SHRED of dignity.

And of course, nothing screams "dignity" like talking about a creep from the internet with a foot fetish. Oh yeah, and lest we forget, there was also "sugar tits". That was a shining moment as well.

Ah, the blessing that is internet dating.

2009-03-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

This evening, I was having my first instant message conversation with a gentleman I'd met on my latest interweb dating venture, Plenty of Fish. I'm still not totally sold on this site, but it's free. I'm skeptical that my soul mate is on this site, but it keeps me out there, meeting people. That skepticism intensified tonight, and apparently I'm getting what I'm paying for, which is nothing. What seemed to be a fun, sweet, lighthearted conversation with a seemingly good guy took a VERY unexpected turn at the end.

His sign off?

"Talk to you later, Sugar-tits."

Um, thanks pal. I'm floored at your gallantry. Proof positive that romance is not dead. I can't wait to talk to you again. Really. Of course, you ARE a San Francisco Giants fan. I should have seen it coming a mile away.

NOTE: Let it be known that the pictures I put on my profile do NOT suggest that such a nickname would be acceptable. I would happily show my 99 year-old grandmother any of the pictures I posted.

Evidence our Country is in REAL Trouble.

2009-03-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

Turns out there is real proof that America is in crisis. Is it the unemployment numbers reaching double digits? The plunging stock market? Increased home foreclosures? No, it's the fact that Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail was #1 at the box office for the second straight week.

And no, I haven't seen Madea Goes to Jail. But I'm still confident that it's crap. Why? Because it's been done before, and I already saw it back in the 80's. It's called Ernest Goes to Jail. And that was a festering turd of a movie.

And you know what? This is not the first time a film of this caliber made it this far. This is actually the third movie I've noticed in this disturbing trend. Remember my post on Beverly Hills Chihuahua? That was the first offense. The next time I noticed it, it was for Paul Blart, Mall Cop. I was so horrified at this development that I couldn't bring myself to blog about it. But now with Madea, our bad movie alert level has just been raised from yellow to orange, and I feel it's my civic duty to make this plea:

PLEASE, go see something else. ANYTHING ELSE. If you haven't seen it yet (or even if you already have), go see Slumdog Millionaire. Amazing movie. There's a reason it's getting so much press. Spend your money on that one.

I'm Wanted for Murder.

2009-02-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

My roommate has been out of town for the last week. Before she left, she entrusted me to watering her happy, pink flowering plant from her bedroom. She even brought it downstairs to the living room to hang out with my other plant so I could water them together. I was more than happy to, as I'm hoping to add more plants to my house and backyard, so this would be a great chance to test out my green thumb that I SO desperately wanted to cultivate. The following picture is a result of my 'care'.

I'm at a loss...I've given both plants the same amount of water, sunlight, and love. There's a few pink blooms hanging on, yes, but the rest of the plant is heading south quickly. I brought in reinforcements. My mom, a seasoned gardener happened to be at my place on Friday morning, and I told her my concerns. She said, "Maybe you over-watered it. Put it outside on your patio for a day or two, and it should perk up."

And the picture above is what greeted me this morning. It looked even worse. Horrified, I brought the plant back inside so it could spend it's final days under 24-hour care. A sort of "botany-hospice".

Maybe this plant didn't WANT to live. Or maybe my plant killed it out of jealousy. Or just maybe I'm to blame. But no matter who's fault it is, my roomie is home tomorrow. At this point, I need a freaking miracle. This plant is by the front door...the first thing she'll see when she returns from her long cross-country journey. When she asked what happened to her beloved plant, I will simply give this explanation:

"It was Colonel Mustard, in the Living Room, with the lead pipe."

It would be real nice if you all backed me up on this theory.

Because I'm awesome.

2009-02-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate when you're in the car, and an awesome song comes on the radio just as you're reaching your destination? This was playing when I pulled up to a work meeting this afternoon. So I stayed in the car until it was over. And I rocked out.

Judge me if you want. I don't care.

An Ode to Cheese.

2009-02-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

I realize that I've maintained this blog for over a year, and have yet to really talk about my love of cheese, although the title section of my blog claims that I do. Let's fix that.

Cheese. Fromage. Queso. However you say it, it's mankind's greatest accomplishment. And no, mankind's greatest accomplishment is NOT landing on the moon. That's a distant #2. Here's a rundown of some of my favorite cheeses:

The first stop on our tour is the Apricot Stilton. Trader Joe's carries a great one. (And if you don't live near a Trader Joe's, I don't know what to tell you. Except that you should MOVE.)
This cheese is STUPID good. In my opinion, the stinkier the cheese, the better it is. And you can't go wrong with the fruity/stinky combination. Delish.

Next up, Pepper Jack. My love affair with this stuff started in college. There's nothing highbrow about this one. It simply rules.

The next cheese is Brie. A longtime favorite of mine. The best way to enjoy this is baked. Try and keep up now:

1. Buy a wheel of brie
2. Slather some fruit preserves on top (apricot or raspberry are my preferences)
3. Wrap the whole thing in puff pastry.
4. Bake that sucker.
5. Eat it.
6. Don't share it with anyone.
7. Wash it down with a glass of wine.
8. Pass out from a wine/cheese induced coma.
9. Repeat as needed. Lastly, cheddar. The original gangster, when it comes to cheese, as far as I'm concerned. I prefer a sharp, well aged white cheddar.

There are a few exceptions. Below are 3 cheeses I don't get anywhere near. After all, a girl has to have her standards:

1. Swiss cheese. I hate the taste and it gives me some NASTY gastrointestinal...um, issues. And while I normally like stinky cheese, the smell of Swiss sickens me. Also, paying for cheese that's full of holes makes me think that I'm paying for a bunch of wasted space. No thank you.

2. American cheese. This is not cheese. The only time this should be used is to hide a pill in it for the dog. Otherwise, have some respect for yourself, and just go straight for a nice sharp cheddar.

3. Spray cheese. This is the polyester of cheese. Aerosol and metal cans should not be part of the fromage equation. Gross. The inventor of Easy Cheese should be strung up by his toenails.

I hope your horizons have been slightly broadened. Or that you're at least a little hungry. I also hope that my lactose intolerant readers haven't needed to pop a Lactaid from reading this.

Interesting (or maybe not interesting to anyone else) side note: I hated cheese as a kid. HATED IT.

I have this song in my head on repeat today.

2009-02-11T10:53:00.001-08:00

I love Helen Reddy. LOVE HER. And yes, I'm 30, not 65.

I fear my mild-mannered office mate Jasmin will murder me before the end of the day if I can't hit the "shuffle" button in my head and turn off "repeat". This is a very real possibility.

Economy Rant

2009-02-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

I'm a recruiter for a school. With our economic downturn, calls from people needing jobs have become more and more desperate. I have fewer and fewer jobs to offer them, if they're even qualified to apply for them in the first place. I'm beyond blessed to be more financially secure than I've ever been, and the only complaint I have with two jobs is that I work TOO much. I'm sure most of our country's unemployed would tell me to go screw with that last statement. Sorry.

And, as bad as I feel about the lack of jobs I have to offer my applicants, this evening's rant is actually about salesmen. Allow me to explain: these fools are desperate right now. Just as desperate as the unemployed, because a lot of their livelihood depends on commission from selling their crap. And no one has money, so no one can buy their crap. But they're worse, because they are obnoxious on top of being desperate. A craptacular combination. Salesman of the world, hear this: I get that you need to make a living, but the rules have not changed just because the economy has taken a dump. Calling someone five times a day will not make a sale. It will only piss them off.

*Robert from CareerBuilder.com, if you're reading this, yes, YOU inspired this post. I was feeling bad that I can't buy a job-post package from you, but you've rapidly lost my sympathy, and you've crossed over into the 'annoying' category. Leave me the hell alone. And yes, my receptionist told me how much you called today. I was totally screening your ass.

Jen vs. Jenn

2009-01-29T23:19:00.000-08:00

My name is spelled Jen. Not Jenn. The extra N annoys us Jens that have chosen a life of a single N'ed nickname. That extra N looks like we're asking you to stutter when you pronounce it. One N is enough.

HOWEVER, my full name is spelled Jennifer, and I think Jenifer looks positively freakish and misspelled. I am ok with this inconsistent rationale, but for reasons I can't really justify except for that's just the way I like it.

In summation:
Jen...thumbs up
Jenn...me no likey
Jennifer...correct
Jenifer...ridiculous
Thanks for your attention.

NOTE:***I uphold the utmost respect for all the Jenns out there. I don't begrudge you for wanting your extra N, it's what's normal to you. I just don't understand how you're able to get up every day and face the world. That's all.

I've found the love of my life.

2009-01-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

It's happened. It's finally happened. At long last, I've found love. My soul's counterpart. The yin to my yang. We fit so well, it's like we've always been together. And I can't imagine my life without him.

He finishes my sentences. Literally. He is...the Pentel Energel Liquid Gel Ink, blue, with a .7 mm metal tip. And ladies, you can't deny it's all about that .7 metal tip. It leaves me terribly satisfied.

I have a friend with a STRONG attachment to her collection of writing instruments. I will allow her to remain anonymous. :) And while it's fun to use all sorts of different color pens, I don't think I quite got it until now. But I get it now. OH, I GET IT. There's nothing better than a smooth writing pen with a consistent flow of ink. Not too much ink, and NEVER too little. And that glistening blue ink...ahhhhhh. It transcends all other blues, leaving them in the dust. And don't even get me started on the cushiony, grooved finger grip. Heaven.

Is it possible that this post will cause some to think my life is small? Devoid of meaning? Well, I don't care. Do not mock our love.

JK + Pentel .7 4-eva! Holla.

Favorite quote of the weekend.

2009-01-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

"How do people in the Midwest live without tacos and drag queens?"
-my friend Vrej's friend, Marissa

I don't know, Marissa. I JUST DON'T KNOW. And I don't want to know.

Not fair.

2009-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

This looks way better than what I had for dinner last night.

Looking back and looking forward. Thoughts on Inauguration Eve....

2009-01-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

In case you've been living under a large rock, tomorrow is the historic Inauguration Day for president-elect Barack Obama. I'm sure this is one of a 937,856,362 different blog posts on this subject, but I figured I'd throw my two cents in as well.

It's no secret the more than 3/4 of America is beyond glad that today is George W. Bush's last day in office. To say he's leaving office on a low note is an understatement. We're in a recession. Unemployment is approaching double digits. We're engaged in two wars with no end in sight. But I don't think President Bush is a monster. I don't think he's evil. I don't think anyone gets into that office without an unwavering love of their country, and wanting to do the very best job they can. It would be difficult not to be humbled by the awesome responsibility of Commander-in-Chief. Could someone else have done a better job? It's very likely. But is he a bad man? No.

I'm excited to see what the next four years brings. I want Mr. Obama to do well. I want great things to happen for the U.S. It's wonderful to see everyone so inspired, hopeful, and excited for the future in these tough times. But I worry for Mr. Obama. I think a lot of people have such high hopes. They are expecting a miracle. His approval is so high, it has nowhere to go but down. After the pomp and circumstance of the inauguration is over tomorrow, the same challenges await our country, and they will not be easy to solve. It's not that I'm jaded or looking at the glass as half empty, I'm just trying to be realistic. He has promised "Change" throughout his campaign. But change isn't going to come overnight. I hope everyone is patient. Even Obama has said that the economy is going to get worse before it gets better. But it's hard for people to be patient when we live with a hungry media that pounces on the slightest misstep. It's tough to stay unaffected by it.

But you know what? Change WILL come. It's life...and that's what life does. It changes. Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Don't wait for Obama's change. If you want change, YOU have to be that change. Take personal responsibility for it...it's not just up to Obama.

I make no sense.

2009-01-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when I work out, I make better choices with what I eat? Probably because I'm working hard to better myself physically, so I don't want to derail any progress with a metric ton of chocolate. This makes sense.

On the flip side, when I don't work out, I'll devour whatever is in front of me...which is actually the time I should be MORE careful about what I'm shoving down my throat, but I don't. This makes NO sense.

Currently, I'm having a hard time motivating myself to work out. Go ahead and guess what my present eating habits are like.

Ooo, look...a cupcake. Gotta go.

Geez.

2009-01-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

I don't hate many things in this world. But I hate earthquakes.

California, knock it off.

I'm still here...sorta.

2009-01-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

*SIGH.*

I'm sorry. I've been slacking on my ranting. We all know what the hustle and bustle of holidays do to us. It sucks our will to live. But thankfully, I've made it out to the other side, aka 2009. The rants will come back. I promise.

Truthfully, I've been bumming a little. I'm not sure what it is...a combination of things, really. Holiday/post-holiday stress. Worries about money. What direction I'm supposed to go in life, and the occasional lack of motivation to figure that out. Complete annoyance and frustration with my ridiculous dating life (or lack thereof). Exhaustion after a busy semester doing 2 jobs and school. Feeling in a rut at work. And a bunch of other crap I can't control. But as my friend Cindy says, "That's when it's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it." Because, all in all, things really aren't that bad, and there's a lot to be thankful for. My family and friends are healthy. I have employment when so many others don't. I live in my favorite corner of Southern California in a beautiful townhouse. I'm going on a BITCHIN' vacation at the end of the month. Not bad.

But when I'm bumming, the first thing to go is the humor in my writing. It's one thing to listen to me rant, but it's another thing to listen to me bitching. They are two very separate things, and I refuse to let this blog become that kind of forum. Ok, so maybe that's what it is tonight. But typing about it is already making me feel better. So, onward and upward!

One thing that I thought might pull me out of this funk is to be doing something creative. I've found it's something that soothes me, feeds my soul, and gives me purpose. I spent the last semester taking a photography class, and trying to absorb as much information and knowledge that I could. Now I have all these pictures, and no place to showcase them. So I've started another blog. One that is solely devoted to my photography. However, everything I took last semester is on film, not digital, and it will take me a while to get that converted so I can upload them. But for the time being, I've started uploading some of my existing work from the last couple years. And now that I've taken this class, I now don't think they're as great as I used to think they were. And that's ok. Over time, it will show the progression of where I started, to where I am now, and beyond. So take a moment and check it out if you feel so inclined. I've done a few posts, just so there's something on there to get started. I want this new blog to be a motivation for me to get out there and constantly be taking pictures.

Here it is...now don't all of you rush to the new blog all at once. We don't need to be crashing the site. ;)
Photos by JK

Ahhhh...it feels good to post again.

It's Raining Men.

2008-12-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I WISH it was actually raining men. The title of the post is, of course, referring to the song by "The Weather Girls". There are some songs that I can't help but dance to, even when I'm in the car. ESPECIALLY when I'm in the car. This is one of the greats:

I LOVE this song. It's about the weather. It's about men. And it's wrapped up in some sassy music. All are things I enjoy tremendously. How can you go wrong with "It's Raining Men?" However, now that I've seen the video, the song has lost some of it's...panache. Aside from the dudes doing spins and jetes while wearing speedos and trenchcoats, I've found something much more troubling, dare I say, retina searing about this video.

If you're brave, pay close attention to 2:45 mark. A word of advice to those interested in making/starring in music videos: If you're sinking a bunch of money on a video, and you're a woman of significant, um...girth, please wear a goddamn bra.

Damn those games on the ol' Interweb.

2008-12-17T16:49:00.000-08:00

My siblings, friends, co-workers and I are addicted to a stupid helicopter game on the Internet. And when I say it's stupid, I mean it. It's only slightly more advanced than Pong, but I'm ashamed to say that we can't stop playing it.

If you're strong enough to resist the little voice in your head that will justify the reasons you should play it over and over, forsaking all adult responsibilities, then give it a whirl....

Stupid Copter Game

Our office's current high score is 1672. That esteemed honor is NOT held by yours truly, unfortunately. I'm holding steady at 1267.

Now, why is it that I don't have a boyfriend?

16 Things.

2008-12-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

I did this a few minutes ago on Facebook, and figured I could parlay it into a post on the blog. You are supposed to write 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. However, in this case, I'm not going to tag anyone, because I just did it to a load of people on Facebook, and that's enough tagging for one night. Enjoy my random facts....

1. I watch more YouTube than what is probably healthy for the normal person. Unlimited access to videos of Wilson Phillips and Flight of the Conchords?! Awesome.
2. I have freckles. Lots of them.
3. Before I fly anywhere, I MUST buy a bottle of water and a People magazine. Even if I don't want them.
4. I love the weather. I idolize Fritz Coleman, and have written fan mail to the Weather Channel when I was in middle school.
5. I was president of my high school show choir. That's right, lots of sequins and jazz hands. Extreme dorkery, but I wouldn't trade the memories for anything.
6. I love baseball, specifically the Dodgers.
7. I've been electrocuted.
8. My favorite beer is Blue Moon.
9. I've lived in Boston, and worked at Berklee College of Music.
10. I love to travel. Next stop on my list: New Zealand
11. I shamelessly love the Judds. I've met Naomi, and would die happy if I ever got to meet Wynonna.
12. I've recently gone back to school to study photography. Loving it, but there's not much time for anything else right now!
13. I've gone on vacation with the Barenaked Ladies, and I'm gearing up to go again in February!
14. I've memorized the entire series of Friends. In fact, I have a photographic memory when it comes to quoting movies and TV. It's sad, but true. Ask anyone.
15. I would eat mexican food for every meal if I could.
16. I've been charged by a herd of cows.

Like a ton of bricks.

2008-12-15T16:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas is in 10 days. I leave for Jersey in less than 8. I think it might be wise to start Christmas shopping.

Crap.

A Letter to the Men of Planet Earth

2008-12-13T23:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Dudes,

It seems to be quite challenging for you men to pee standing up. Case in point: I coordinated a wedding tonight, and at the end of the evening, I made my rounds throughout the many rooms of the villa to make sure everything is put away, picked up, and turned off. Without fail, what meets me EVERY TIME in the men's room after a 12 hour workday is the overwhelming stench of the urine of 78 strange men. On the toilet seat. On the floor. And if I'm lucky, it's on the wall too. It's just delightful. It's my favorite. Now I get that they've been to a wedding and had a few drinks, but is their aim (and judgement) THAT bad?

Question: What's so bad about peeing sitting down? Especially when you're drunk. Is it a question of masculinity? You know, it's ok. No one has to know. Try it. If it helps, take the sports section in there with you. Just treat it like you would a deuce, and SIT DOWN.

Please consider this. For my sake.

Respectfully,
Jen

I don't get it.

2008-12-01T15:42:00.000-08:00

So, what's the big deal with the Jonas Brothers? They are huge with the teen/tweens. And evidently, the one on the left was named one of People Magazines sexiest men. MEN. Gross. These are not men. They're still infants. They look like kids with grown-up hairdos playing "Rockstar".

Does my not "getting" this craze officially mean I'm out of touch with the youth of America? That I'm an (*gasp*) old lady? Well, if that's the case, bring on the Depends and the Ben Gay.

I'll give them this...they do seem pretty squeaky clean, and I'd much rather my hypothetical children be loving them over Amy Winehouse, but still...I just don't get it.

Is this how my mother felt when my sister and I couldn't get enough of New Kids on the Block?

*NOTE: I now have "Please Don't Go Girl" in my head.

My Torrid Love Affair with Gravy.

2008-11-25T14:25:00.001-08:00

I love gravy. LOVE IT. It's my favorite part of Thanksgiving. That being said, a highlight of this holiday is doing shots of gravy after dinner. My office pals have heard about this legend, so I let them catch my live show during our Thanksgiving potluck lunch today. It's fun to watch people's reactions to my gravy shooters. The shock value is about 25% of the reason I do the shots in the first place, but really, the other 75% is because it's SO DAMN GOOD. As I gulped it down, the same people that dumped a quart of gravy on their turkey and stuffing 20 minutes ago were squirming as they watched. Completely grossed out. But why? Gravy RULES...can you imagine Thanksgiving without it? No? Then, I rest my case. Drink up.

I can't wait for Thursday. Today was merely a warm up for Turkey Day.

QUESTION: Can Blue Shield drop me for reckless care of my arteries? I already have cholesterol issues. Off hand, I'd say my cholesterol count is hovering around 437 today.

Dang. I'm cool.

2008-11-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

I've definitely mentioned my love for Bret and Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords, and my friends Sara and Ro love them just as much, if not more. We recently did a remake of one of their videos for an HBO contest, and before you laugh at us for our extreme dorkery, know that we won it, bitches.

Here's the original:

Now here's our remake...

I know.

I have gas.

2008-11-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

I just filled up my tank for under $30. Ah, the silver lining in our economic craphole.

One of my quirks. JUST ONE.

2008-11-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

Turns out, every time I cross the street, I have to hit the button twice before crossing. HAVE TO. Or I'm convinced it didn't work. Like the first pressing of the button is practice, but the second one is for realsies. Because now the crosswalk is paying attention to the fact that there really IS a pedestrian waiting, and they're serious about crossing. I realized this tonight when I was at a crosswalk with a complete stranger, and the guy hit the button only ONCE. I was surprised by my high level of uneasiness. Was this dude out of his damn MIND? But by a stroke of dumb luck, the little white man* appeared to light our way to cross the street anyway.
I'm sure it was an isolated incident. I KNOW you have to hit it twice. Right?

I know it's a short post, but it's enough weirdness and potential OCD for one night. In fact, go ahead and pretend you didn't read this. Thanks.

*NOTE: Crosswalks are totally racist.

15 things I love about staying in hotels on business trips....

2008-11-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

On a work trip to Palm Springs last weekend, I realized how much I love a good hotel stay. I was inspired to list the reasons why this is the case....

1. The invigorating feeling I get from simply being in a hotel. I love to travel, and being in a new place makes me feel like I'm on a grand adventure. Even if the reason I'm in Palm Springs is to attend a math conference to recruit teachers. Total nerd alert.
2. Tiny Soap.
3. Free HBO.
4. Air Conditioning at whatever temperature I want...because I'm not paying the electric bill.
5. My own balcony. Where I can look down on my minions.
6. Pay-per-view movies. Charged to the room...which is paid for by my company. And no, I'm not watching porn. Sheesh.
7. There were no fewer than 10 pillows on my 2 beds. (I'm not kidding, I actually counted) I was astounded. Why does ONE Jen need so many pillows? I didn't care...I just barricaded myself with pillows. Fantastic.
8. Having the previously mentioned 2 beds to choose from. I could sleep half the night in one bed, and change to the other one if I wanted to. I didn't, but I could have.
9. Toilet paper ends folded into a triangle by housekeeping.
10. Free coffee maker in my room. Ok, I don't drink coffee, but I still think it's a terribly thoughtful perk. HA! Perk! I slay me.
11. My free copy of USA Today. It never occurs to me to read that publication any other time than at a hotel, but I'm always excited to get it.
12. Blackout curtains.
13. I don't have to make the bed in the morning.
14. A night ALONE. Total freedom. To do whatever the hell I want. Even if that means sitting around and watching TV in my PJ's all night. Because at home, sitting and watching TV makes me feel guilty, because I know I should probably be cleaning or working on something. Hotel TV watching is a gloriously guilt-free zone for me.
15. The breakfast buffet in the morning. I'm not usually a breakfast fan (I only eat it out of necessity), but I go TO TOWN at hotel buffets.

I'm really a simple soul...it really takes so little to make me happy. I hope you've enjoyed your stay at the Hotel Yen. Don't forget to tip the maid.

A Night Off....

2008-11-02T19:56:00.001-08:00

Last weekend, I had a rare Saturday night off from wedding coordinating, so Ro and I hit up Old Town Pasadena for a night out. We had a fabulous time, as was to be expected. Ro and I joke that we can be confined to a barrel, and still manage to have fun. Some of our best times have been sitting in train stations or airports amusing each other with our stupid humor, while the rest of the people around us are bored out of their brain cells. We just choose to find humor wherever we are, and it works for us.

Our first stop of the evening was El Toreo Mexican Restaurant. Not the best meal ever, but not the worst either. So-so service. Great chile rellenos. But the highlight of our visit was not the cuisine, but rather the awesome decor on the tables....

I give you...a rose in arroz.If you can find a classier table decoration than a fake flower stuck in a vase full of rice, then you're a better person than I am.

After dinner, our evening continued at Lucky Baldwin's pub for a couple pints. Our first pint was an Arrogant Bastard, and the name of the second one doesn't come to mind, because it was too gross to bother remembering.

Here's Ro and I, with our bastards. Delish.Our last stop will be appreciated only by Willy Wonka fans (the Gene Wilder version, not Johnny Depp's). We were walking back to Ro's car when we happened upon this:
"The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!!" Unfortunately, this ice cream place was closed, so we actually don't know if the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. But I'm making it a point to find out sooner rather than later.

So that was our evening last weekend. I'm currently putting a post together about this weekend (Halloween), and I'll try to get that up soon!

The Bean.

2008-10-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I miss Boston so much it hurts. Did you know I lived in Boston? Sometimes I forget I did. Not that I forget, but it seems like it was another life. Another time. Another Jen. I moved back to LA just over 6 years ago. August 2002. I have gone back to visit on several occasions, and it's like getting to relive the old memories. Whenever I'd fly out of Boston back to LA, I'd cry as the plane lifted off as it carried me back home. Every time. Like I was leaving the love of my life behind. And then, on one trip, of which I can't pinpoint, it stopped being the place I used to live, but morphed into a memory. Distant. And no matter how hard I reached, it was no longer tangible. I turned back into a visitor.

But understand this...I've grown up in LA, went to college in LA, and after I moved back here, spent the greater part of my 20's in LA. But living in Boston has made me appreciate all the great things the City of Angels has to offer. I never appreciated LA until I moved away from it. And yet, sometimes I feel like a fish out of water here. I'm not an LA person...I don't fit in with the LA 'scene'. I never have. That being said, it's home. But if ever I was in love with a city, it was Boston. I moved there in August of 2000 with 3 friends, and didn't look back. And I had a ball. I got my first job out of college as a receptionist at Berklee College of Music. I found myself. I made friends that changed my life. Some of which I still keep in touch with and love with all my heart. And others whom I still love, yet wonder where their path has led them.

I have moments when I want to go back to Boston for a month, and see if it still holds something for me. But I don't know what I'd find once I get there. The friends I had there have left, have moved on, gotten married, and some have even had babies. Will I find the same city I left behind? The happy hours at the Last Drop? Thursday nights at the Purple Shamrock? Fish and Chips at Murphy's?* Nah. It wouldn't be the same. I know the Sham would make me feel like an old lady in a sea of 22 year olds. Would I find a niche that fits me as a 30 year old as I did as a 22 year old? So much has changed. The city has probably changed. And I know I have changed.

The one thing that never changed is this picture. I will always be in love with this view :

The Mass Ave. bridge...this picture captures my experience there. Nothing special, just a typical night on the bridge. It's my favorite place in the city. To walk. To take pictures. To ponder. To stumble around drunk as a skunk. And to feel completely at home. There was something magical about my time there, and I'll always be thankful for every part of it. And I'm not sure what moved me to type this tonight...I know it's a departure from my normal rants of ridiculousness.

And it's not like I'm depressed about this, or sad with my life here. I really don't think I could ask for more. But Boston was like my first love...nothing but good memories, and sometimes it's nice to reminisce. Thanks for letting me.

* Notice how my fondest memories of Boston are in some way tied to alcohol or food? Yeah, I'm predictable.

Candy Corn and Candy Canes...really?

2008-10-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Election Day is November 4, and it's quickly approaching. In California, besides the choice we'll make regarding the high profile presidential election, we'll also have a pile of different propositions to vote on. The issues we'll be voting for range from transportation, to clean energy, to gay marriage. All this talk of propositions has gotten me thinking about what I'd like to see on the ballot in future elections. And there is one important piece of legislation very close to my heart that I will fight to get approved by the voting public.

The Seasonal Item Availability Referendum. On Friday afternoon, my local CVS drugstore had an ENTIRE aisle of Christmas crap on display, waiting to be snapped up by the spending public. Um, it's the middle of October...can we get through HALLOWEEN first? All I'm asking is that we celebrate one holiday at a time, and the Seasonal Item Availability Referendum is the way to make that happen. It has one simple guideline: Items for one holiday may not be displayed or put up for sale until the previous major holiday has ended. In other words, if you want an animatronic Santa for the front yard, you'll have to finish your turkey and pumpkin pie first.

People might say this is messing with people's freedom of choice, but I really don't care. It's for their own good. It feeds into the mentality of people not being present in the moment they're in. Decorations are up for SO long that by the time the actual holiday arrives, it's old news, they're already sick of it, and have moved on to what's next, rather than what's right in front of them. What it comes down to is that I find it annoying that at this very minute, I can go to CVS and grab a Halloween costume with one hand, and a set of Christmas lights with the other. And I love to bite the heads off Marshmallow Peeps as much as the next gal, but not while I'm trying to buy valentines. I know money needs to be made, but retailers need to stop. Breathe. And allow us to do the same. To live in the present.

Please join me in this fight. For the sake of the children.*

* I don't know how much this really has to do with the children (except for not wanting them to grow up to become impatient consumers), I'm just annoyed. And people tend to support stuff that's "for the sake of the children". And it's all about tugging at America's heartstrings to get legislation passed. Isn't that how the political big wigs do it?

Also, I promise I'm not a communist. I'm just a gal with an oldest child complex, with the need to control stuff. Of course, Kim Jong Il is an oldest child too. Hmmm. Maybe that's how communism began...a bunch of oldest children banding together to tell everyone what to do. It's an interesting theory. And a slight deviation from the original post regarding selling Candy Corn and Candy Canes at the same time, but I don't care. It's my blog. :)

I believe...in baseball.

2008-10-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am a Dodger fan. Baseball's version of a battered wife...I get knocked down, but I keep coming back for more. I can't help it. I'm in love. I know someday they'll change, and we'll have our happy ending. We will. We HAVE to.

I'm a sucker for happy endings in movies. Whether it's the Von Trapp family climbing the Alps to freedom from the Nazis, Annie getting to stay with Daddy Warbucks, or Ron Burgundy ending up with Veronica Corningstone and landing a bitchin' network news gig, it's all fantastic. It makes my heart sing.

That's the beautiful thing about baseball. It's got all the makings of a great movie, with the eternal hope of a legendary ending. And LA has a fabulous cast: the heroes (the Dodgers), the villans (usually the Giants, but in tonight's case, the Phillies), the fearless leaders (Joe Torre and/or Tommy Lasorda), and the dynamic narrator (Vin Scully), squaring off against the backdrop of Chavez Ravine, tens of thousands of fans, and the buzz of vendors launching bags of peanuts that whiz over my head. I love it. I never grow tired of it.

And baseball is even BETTER than a movie. How, you might ask? Every game is a living, breathing movie moment. It holds the constant potential of a grandiose finish, with a double high-five celebration with your best friend, and all the while cheering for the heroes with 40,000 other people in a slow-motion montage of pure joy. Because for that moment in time, you're not just watching a movie ending...you're an active participant. You're living it. You're part of something bigger than yourself.

Tonight, my beloved Dodgers lost their quest for the National League Pennant, and the chance to go to the World Series. For the first time in LA in 20 years, we could see the World Series on the horizon. We could almost touch it. It would have been easier if we never even made it to the postseason, but that carrot was dangled right in front of us, and we almost grabbed it. ALMOST.

I was at school tonight during the final game of the NLCS. Thankfully, tonight's lab monitor set up a TV with the game on, so I periodically popped out of the darkroom to check the score. The Dodgers got pummeled. It was painful. There was no movie ending for us tonight, instead the Phillies celebrated their victory on OUR field, in front of OUR poor fans. I actually felt a little violated watching their celebration on OUR home plate. As far as I'm concerned, they might as well have simultaneously whipped it out and peed on Vin Scully. I know watching the opponent celebrate has happened to countless other teams and fans, but seeing it on my home turf bugged me. When I could no longer watch the red caps of the Phillies' players bobbing up and down in stupid happiness, I quietly shook my head in disappointment, and slipped back into the darkroom, slowly realizing that our season was over. They were so close, they'd worked so hard. And it's all over.

Dodger fans...remember this? Of course you do.

If Kirk Gibson's 1988 walk-off home run doesn't stir something in you, I can't help you. You're a damn robot. It's because of that video that I still believe in my Dodgers. Tonight was obviously not our movie ending. We had it in '88, and I have faith that this is just part of the plot build-up for the year that we finally do it again.

That's the risk we take in loving baseball...you know you might get your heart broken. But once you finally come out on top, it makes the countless let-downs worth it, because you appreciate it that much more when you finally get it. Call me dramatic if you must, but any baseball fan knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about, and has been nodding their heads while they've read this post.

Our day will come. And it could be worse. I could be a Cubs fan. That's just got to be torture. Poor Cubbies.

STILL...Top Dog.

2008-10-12T22:43:00.000-07:00

Beverly Hills Chihuahua is STILL #1 at the box office, for the second week in a row. SOMEONE please go see Nick & Nora or The Duchess. NOW.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go light myself on fire.

Top Dog?

2008-10-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm proud to be an American. But I have to admit, when Beverly Hills Chihuahua became number 1 at the box office this weekend, I got a little embarrassed of our choice in movie-going. And I'm not against it being in theatres...I'm glad there's something for kids to see at the movies. I'm just against it being #1. America, aren't we better than this?

To be fair, I haven't seen it. Nor do I plan to. And if Ebert and Roeper come out to declare it the most important movie to hit screens since Schindler's List, this movie will still not be anything more to me than a rental. And only if I'm not paying for it.

I take a stand against the weirdest things.

By the way, Mr. Chihuahua...Indiana Jones called. He wants his font back.

Random 10:30pm craving

2008-09-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why, but red Kool Aid sounds really good right now.

And don't read into this...I'm not pregnant, I just want Kool-Aid.

Missed my chance.... (UPDATED)

2008-09-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've always harbored a celebrity crush for Ryan Reynolds. While his movie career has never been anything to write home about, he's adorable and funny, and that's enough for me. So when I read that he got married to Scarlett Johanssen over the weekend, I was genuinely bummed. My initial reaction was, "Crap. I've missed my shot with him." Because in my head, I was convinced I had a realistic chance at wooing him. Really, Jen? REALLY?!

Bye-bye, Ryan...we would have been so happy, you and I. But it's time to let you go.

And if we're all being honest, we've all had that split-second moment of disappointment when their celebrity crush was off the market. (Except for my friend Sara...her celebrity crush is Steve Buschemi...my bet is that she will be spared this heartache.) You know all the dudes across the US are crying about missing their chance with Scarlett. I know I'm not alone in this, I'm just the only one fessing up to it.

**UPDATE: I just IMDB'ed Steve Buschemi, and it turns out he's been married since 1987. My bad, Sara. But since 1987, I'm sure you wounds have healed. Mine are still fresh.

I ain't Karl Lagerfeld, but....

2008-09-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

I just want to know how long I should expect "skinny jeans" to be in style. They definitely fall into the category of "throwback from the 80's that should have died with Vanilla Ice's music." I hate them. I have yet to see one person walking around in real life that those things look good on. They flatter NO ONE. And if you're reading this, thinking to yourself, "Well, this bitch doesn't know how hard I rock my skinny jeans." Sorry, Victoria Beckham, even YOU don't look good with a tapered leg. It's true.

I think what has brought this to the forefront of my world is being back in school. That's right...I'm back in school. I'm taking photography two nights a week at PCC, and I've never felt more out of touch when it comes to what I'm supposed to wear. But the great thing about being older is that I couldn't give less of a crap about what's temporarily hip.

And let's get one thing straight. This is not a jealousy thing...I'm not some bitter 30-year old that's envious of the nineteen year-olds running around in their tiny pants. I, in fact, pity their ignorance for wearing these tapered leg nightmares. All I'm thinking of when I see them is how it looks like they're strangling and suffocating their poor legs, and I want to release them from their denim prison. But trying to steal the pants off perfect strangers is what landed me in trouble the last time, and I have vowed to never see the inside of a mexican jail again.

And if you still insist on wearing skinny jeans, then I leave you with this image. Know that when you're sporting your bitchin' jeans, this is what the rest of us are seeing:

Yarf.

And on a side note, I think I just felt an earthquake. Yippee...my favorite. And I've got news for you people, earthquakes come after people in skinny jeans. Beware.

Dear Boss....

2008-09-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12 -18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out....

ESL issues at Havana Mania

2008-09-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

Ro, Grant, and I just gorged on a HUGE dinner at Havana Mania in Redondo Beach. At the end of the meal, our waiter came to collect our three credit cards for the check, and said the following:

"You like three ways?"

Um....

We get it.

2008-09-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

A statement to all field reporters covering Hurricane Gustav today:

It's windy. It's raining. No one is doubting that...after all, it's a hurricane. We all get it, we PROMISE. Now please go inside before you get impaled by the roof of a gas station.

Thanks,
Jen

P.S. And to Fox News, I love that you always send Geraldo Rivera to the most dangerous places on the planet, which includes to Louisiana for the hurricane. It's like you're actually trying to get him bumped off. Keep up the good work.

Label me as cold-hearted for such a statement, but his mustache drives me insane.

The Political Balancing Act.

2008-08-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

This morning, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has come out of the political shadows to be announced as John McCain’s VP candidate, and the first woman nominated for VP since Geralidine Ferraro in 24 years. And last night, Barack Obama gave a stirring speech in Denver to accept his presidential nomination, complete with streamers, confetti, families, and sweeping music to create the ultimate feel-good movie ending, painting Obama as America’s hero.

Now I have questions. And I should probably wait to ask them until after watching the Republican National Convention next week, but I’m compelled to write about it now, so deal with it.

I question EVERY motive of modern politics nowadays. It’s hard to decide what’s real…everything seems to be smoke and mirrors. Was Joe Biden chosen because he’s the best guy for the job? Or was he chosen as an old white guy to keep the Democratic ticket grounded and appealing to the undecided masses, because he’s the typical face America is used to seeing on a presidential ticket? And on the other side of the coin, was relatively unknown Sarah Palin only chosen because she’s a female, and could help the already old-white-guy-saturated GOP look more progressive? “See guys, we can slap a minority on our ticket, too! Ta-dah!” Don’t get me wrong, it’s about time we mixed it up in the political arena. Either we’ll have our first black president, or our first female vice-president. WOW! But I can’t help but wonder if my previous questions are true. These campaign teams have a lot of money and pride on the line to make sure their candidate wins. Are they motivated by the need to win, or the need to do what is right?

The vast majority of the American people make their decision based on a sound bite, or a knee-jerk reaction to something they think they connect with a candidate on, without doing any real research about where they actually stand on an issue or what their voting records are. I’ve been guilty of that in the past as well, but I really am trying to remedy that during this election. I’m looking for something genuine. Nothing phony or scripted. Just straight answers. That may be a pie-in-the-sky thinking, and I know that’s not the way the world works, but I’m within my rights as an American to want that.

The information out there is overwhelming, for sure. But it’s our responsibility to find out the facts. It’s up to each of us. Until we as Americans stand up and demand real facts, and actually go out and look for them, things will not change. Elections will continue to be dumbed-down for the American public, and we’ll continue to be spoon-fed attack ads, spin, finger-pointing, and candidates with perfectly crafted answers.

Soap box aside, I’m LOVING this…