Mixed Message

This is what sits outside the building where I work.

Um, really folks? REALLY?

The Japanese think they're pretty funny with that Wii contraption.

My future bro-in-law showed me a piece of YouTube comedic gold last night, and it must be shared and passed on to the masses. And by "masses", I'm referring to the 4 people that read this blog. Yes, I'm up from 3. My mom reads it now.

This is a clip from Australia's version of the "Today" show. The hosts are trying out Wii Curling. On a side note, I think the sport of curling was invented by a woman, as a way to get men psyched about sweeping. But that's another post. Enjoy the video, and you're welcome....




I'm telling you, if Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera did this, they wouldn't have to worry about falling behind in the ratings with Good Morning America. Stephanopoulos (sp?) would be crushed.

3 things I never thought I'd say....but said tonight.

-"Should I hold on to this 6 yards of green plaid John Deere fabric or throw it away?"

-"This McSnack Wrap is delectable."

-"Poor Boner."

Inefficient Laziness....

After dinner tonight, I went into the kitchen to clean up after myself, and the dirty frying pan, rice cooker, plate, glass, cutting board, and utensils were too much for me to fathom cleaning at that moment. Even worse, the dishwasher was not an option, as it was already running. I had no choice but to wash them BY HAND. Ugh. This is one of those things my friend Vrej refers to as one of my "first world problems". And he's totally right. But I still wasn't going to wash my dishes.

So I head back upstairs for a while and finish a couple other chores that didn't seem so "difficult". I padded down the stairs about an hour later to find that the dishes HAD NOT CLEANED THEMSELVES. After the shock wore off, I noticed the dishwasher had finished running. I then had the brilliant idea that if I just emptied the dishwasher, I could pop my dishes in there, and avoid washing them altogether. Genius. Except for this: the amount of time I spent emptying the dishwasher, putting it's contents in their correct spots, followed by rinsing my dirty (and now dried up) dishes and placing them in took more time than if I'd just washed them by hand in the first place.

But hey, I avoided the hassle of HAVING TO GRAB THE DISH SOAP. My name is Jen, and I excel at inefficient laziness. Score one for me.

Attention: Cookies

An open letter to the cookies on my kitchen counter:

Dear "Chocolate Wows",

Stop torturing me. I'm working out. I'm eating well. And yet I ended up in your trance for the third day in a row. Leave me alone.

Also, your name is retarded.

Signed,
Jen

The Grammys: My Stream of Conciousness

Paris and Prince Michael Jackson…you’re breaking my heart. Poor babies. I just want to hug you both. Good job, kiddos.

Stevie Nicks, slowly back away from the shoulder pads. It’s no longer ethereal looking. It’s retarded.

Taylor Swift, I love your songs. You have a gift, but what happened during the live performance tonight? Nails on a chalkboard, honey. However, your Album of the Year speech was so sweet, genuine, and humble; I can’t help but be happy for you.

Why don’t I keep 3D glasses in my house at the ready?

Smokey Robinson….are you preserved with formaldehyde?

Dave Matthews, you’re just awesome. Spot on, every time.

Celine Dion, allow me to buy you a hamburger. Please eat it.

Jon Bon Jovi, ever since you cut your hair, when I see your face, all I see Charlie Bucket from the original Willy Wonka movie. Jon, if you need a doppelganger Facebook profile pic, Charlie’s the way to go.

Beyonce, if anyone’s going to bring back chain mail, it’s going to be you and that dress.

Ricky Martin: lame presenter. But I’d like to take this moment to thank the Grammy people for NOT giving him the opportunity to perform. You know he would have dusted off “She Bangs” and thought it rocked.

Roberta Flack, you sang just lovely. But you looked totally high, and I’m pretty sure if someone asked you what your name was, you’d reply with “The blue fairies driving that Gremlin say I’m the Cookie Monster."

Lady Gaga, that’s enough. Love your songs, but figuring out your outfits absolutely exhausts me.

Elton John = Frankenstein. You're a phenomenal musician, but tonight, you looked...odd. Of course, I guess that's been the cornerstone of your career. The O.G. Lady Gaga.

Quentin Tarantino…um, what? You’re one weird cat.

Lil’ Wayne, pull up your pants.

My newest investment...because I'm awesome.

Today I stopped by Old Navy, because I wanted to stock up on clothes that look like total crap after 2 washings. Two tank tops for $10 mysteriously seems to win over the buyer's remorse I feel when my purchases are lifeless and threadbare before I even take them out of the bag when I get them home. And yet I return again...and again.

But today was different. The most pleasant surprise I got from my sojourn cost a mere $4. Isn't it terribly charming? And purple? I think it just might be love....
No folks, it's not a pipe. It's a purple see-through plastic recorder. If anyone happened to spend their childhood years under a rock, a recorder is the first musical instrument most public school kids get shoved in their hands. And I was no exception. I played the crap out of my little beige recorder. And had the recorder makers of the 80's had the foresight to make them purple, you might have seen a musical commitment from me that would have made Yo-Yo Ma look like a screw off. But alas, the world never got to experience that untapped talent. Until today. I've already dusted off two of my favorite jams: Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle...and Hot Cross Buns. And boy, were those buns HOT tonight. And quite cross.

Check out the quality craftsmanship:
Who knew Old Navy was now a supplier of sub-par musical instruments? I'll be going back next week to scour the shelves in the hopes of finding a hot-pink glockenspiel. But for now, excuse me...I have to go practice. I'm trying to master the Mozart Requiem by sunrise.