Inefficient Laziness....

After dinner tonight, I went into the kitchen to clean up after myself, and the dirty frying pan, rice cooker, plate, glass, cutting board, and utensils were too much for me to fathom cleaning at that moment. Even worse, the dishwasher was not an option, as it was already running. I had no choice but to wash them BY HAND. Ugh. This is one of those things my friend Vrej refers to as one of my "first world problems". And he's totally right. But I still wasn't going to wash my dishes.

So I head back upstairs for a while and finish a couple other chores that didn't seem so "difficult". I padded down the stairs about an hour later to find that the dishes HAD NOT CLEANED THEMSELVES. After the shock wore off, I noticed the dishwasher had finished running. I then had the brilliant idea that if I just emptied the dishwasher, I could pop my dishes in there, and avoid washing them altogether. Genius. Except for this: the amount of time I spent emptying the dishwasher, putting it's contents in their correct spots, followed by rinsing my dirty (and now dried up) dishes and placing them in took more time than if I'd just washed them by hand in the first place.

But hey, I avoided the hassle of HAVING TO GRAB THE DISH SOAP. My name is Jen, and I excel at inefficient laziness. Score one for me.

Attention: Cookies

An open letter to the cookies on my kitchen counter:

Dear "Chocolate Wows",

Stop torturing me. I'm working out. I'm eating well. And yet I ended up in your trance for the third day in a row. Leave me alone.

Also, your name is retarded.

Signed,
Jen

The Grammys: My Stream of Conciousness

Paris and Prince Michael Jackson…you’re breaking my heart. Poor babies. I just want to hug you both. Good job, kiddos.

Stevie Nicks, slowly back away from the shoulder pads. It’s no longer ethereal looking. It’s retarded.

Taylor Swift, I love your songs. You have a gift, but what happened during the live performance tonight? Nails on a chalkboard, honey. However, your Album of the Year speech was so sweet, genuine, and humble; I can’t help but be happy for you.

Why don’t I keep 3D glasses in my house at the ready?

Smokey Robinson….are you preserved with formaldehyde?

Dave Matthews, you’re just awesome. Spot on, every time.

Celine Dion, allow me to buy you a hamburger. Please eat it.

Jon Bon Jovi, ever since you cut your hair, when I see your face, all I see Charlie Bucket from the original Willy Wonka movie. Jon, if you need a doppelganger Facebook profile pic, Charlie’s the way to go.

Beyonce, if anyone’s going to bring back chain mail, it’s going to be you and that dress.

Ricky Martin: lame presenter. But I’d like to take this moment to thank the Grammy people for NOT giving him the opportunity to perform. You know he would have dusted off “She Bangs” and thought it rocked.

Roberta Flack, you sang just lovely. But you looked totally high, and I’m pretty sure if someone asked you what your name was, you’d reply with “The blue fairies driving that Gremlin say I’m the Cookie Monster."

Lady Gaga, that’s enough. Love your songs, but figuring out your outfits absolutely exhausts me.

Elton John = Frankenstein. You're a phenomenal musician, but tonight, you looked...odd. Of course, I guess that's been the cornerstone of your career. The O.G. Lady Gaga.

Quentin Tarantino…um, what? You’re one weird cat.

Lil’ Wayne, pull up your pants.

My newest investment...because I'm awesome.

Today I stopped by Old Navy, because I wanted to stock up on clothes that look like total crap after 2 washings. Two tank tops for $10 mysteriously seems to win over the buyer's remorse I feel when my purchases are lifeless and threadbare before I even take them out of the bag when I get them home. And yet I return again...and again.

But today was different. The most pleasant surprise I got from my sojourn cost a mere $4. Isn't it terribly charming? And purple? I think it just might be love....
No folks, it's not a pipe. It's a purple see-through plastic recorder. If anyone happened to spend their childhood years under a rock, a recorder is the first musical instrument most public school kids get shoved in their hands. And I was no exception. I played the crap out of my little beige recorder. And had the recorder makers of the 80's had the foresight to make them purple, you might have seen a musical commitment from me that would have made Yo-Yo Ma look like a screw off. But alas, the world never got to experience that untapped talent. Until today. I've already dusted off two of my favorite jams: Heaven is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle...and Hot Cross Buns. And boy, were those buns HOT tonight. And quite cross.

Check out the quality craftsmanship:
Who knew Old Navy was now a supplier of sub-par musical instruments? I'll be going back next week to scour the shelves in the hopes of finding a hot-pink glockenspiel. But for now, excuse me...I have to go practice. I'm trying to master the Mozart Requiem by sunrise.

In My Head....

This is the song that I'm desperately trying to get out of my head this morning. It's from one of my favorite musicals, Avenue Q, and it's not really a song that's appropriate for me as a Human Resources employee to be singing in the office.

WARNING: If you're at work or have little kids around...be careful with the volume. The lyrics are definitely NSFW.



I can't believe I put the abbreviation 'NSFW' on one of my posts. I feel like Perez Hilton. EW.

More office fun...and Larry King.

As you can probably tell, I've changed the template on the ol' Rant of Yen. I was tired of all the green, and needed to shake things up. As my co-worker, Jasmin was skimming through the Rant this morning, she calls my office, and informs me of the following...

"You know, as I've been reading your blog, I've realized your new background reminds me of the Larry King Show. So when I'm reading your posts, all I'm thinking of is Larry King."

Great. When people think of me, they're thinking of an impossibly old frog-man in suspenders. Named LARRY. Who sometimes also looks like an alien or a Simpsons character. This does not help to promote the obvious sexiness that I strive to maintain on this site.

Methinks another template change might be required.

Today at the Office

It's been cold and rainy here in LA the last few days. I welcome it. I love the rain, and my obsession with all things weather-related reaches a fever pitch this time of the year. Ask anyone that knows me well about this ridiculous weather fascination of mine. A good tornado video is like porn to me. I'M. A. DORK.

The only downside to cold weather is that the building I work in is SO poorly insulated, I think it may actually be made with tinker toys (unconfirmed). Consequently, the office inside is an ice box when it's cold outside, even though the heat is on. My office mate wears a beanie on his balding head all day long, and I'm wearing my jacket. Then I got a brilliant beyond brilliant idea this morning. Here is our exchange:

Me: Hey Bizz, let's get matching Snuggies for our office!

Bizz: (Pausing, with an incredulous look) NO.

Me: C'mon, how funny would--

Bizz: No, Jen. NO.

He was insistent. It's funny what things people will take a firm stance on. With Obama, it's health care. For Bizz, it's a cheap backwards robe blankety thing. But in my defense, this is same man that just last week chased me down the parking lot and into the street with a dead rat in a box. I really thought that getting him on board for this craziness would be easy. Nay, sir.

After hearing our conversation, one of our co-workers walked in and introduced us to this piece of YouTube beauty:



Fantastic.