Paris and Prince Michael Jackson…you’re breaking my heart. Poor babies. I just want to hug you both. Good job, kiddos.
Stevie Nicks, slowly back away from the shoulder pads. It’s no longer ethereal looking. It’s retarded.
Taylor Swift, I love your songs. You have a gift, but what happened during the live performance tonight? Nails on a chalkboard, honey. However, your Album of the Year speech was so sweet, genuine, and humble; I can’t help but be happy for you.
Why don’t I keep 3D glasses in my house at the ready?
Smokey Robinson….are you preserved with formaldehyde?
Dave Matthews, you’re just awesome. Spot on, every time.
Celine Dion, allow me to buy you a hamburger. Please eat it.
Jon Bon Jovi, ever since you cut your hair, when I see your face, all I see Charlie Bucket from the original Willy Wonka movie. Jon, if you need a doppelganger Facebook profile pic, Charlie’s the way to go.
Beyonce, if anyone’s going to bring back chain mail, it’s going to be you and that dress.
Ricky Martin: lame presenter. But I’d like to take this moment to thank the Grammy people for NOT giving him the opportunity to perform. You know he would have dusted off “She Bangs” and thought it rocked.
Roberta Flack, you sang just lovely. But you looked totally high, and I’m pretty sure if someone asked you what your name was, you’d reply with “The blue fairies driving that Gremlin say I’m the Cookie Monster."
Lady Gaga, that’s enough. Love your songs, but figuring out your outfits absolutely exhausts me.
Elton John = Frankenstein. You're a phenomenal musician, but tonight, you looked...odd. Of course, I guess that's been the cornerstone of your career. The O.G. Lady Gaga.
Quentin Tarantino…um, what? You’re one weird cat.
Lil’ Wayne, pull up your pants.