Monday, September 29, 2008

Random 10:30pm craving

I have no idea why, but red Kool Aid sounds really good right now.

And don't read into this...I'm not pregnant, I just want Kool-Aid.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Missed my chance.... (UPDATED)

I've always harbored a celebrity crush for Ryan Reynolds. While his movie career has never been anything to write home about, he's adorable and funny, and that's enough for me. So when I read that he got married to Scarlett Johanssen over the weekend, I was genuinely bummed. My initial reaction was, "Crap. I've missed my shot with him." Because in my head, I was convinced I had a realistic chance at wooing him. Really, Jen? REALLY?!

Bye-bye, Ryan...we would have been so happy, you and I. But it's time to let you go.

And if we're all being honest, we've all had that split-second moment of disappointment when their celebrity crush was off the market. (Except for my friend Sara...her celebrity crush is Steve bet is that she will be spared this heartache.) You know all the dudes across the US are crying about missing their chance with Scarlett. I know I'm not alone in this, I'm just the only one fessing up to it.

**UPDATE: I just IMDB'ed Steve Buschemi, and it turns out he's been married since 1987. My bad, Sara. But since 1987, I'm sure you wounds have healed. Mine are still fresh.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I ain't Karl Lagerfeld, but....

I just want to know how long I should expect "skinny jeans" to be in style. They definitely fall into the category of "throwback from the 80's that should have died with Vanilla Ice's music." I hate them. I have yet to see one person walking around in real life that those things look good on. They flatter NO ONE. And if you're reading this, thinking to yourself, "Well, this bitch doesn't know how hard I rock my skinny jeans." Sorry, Victoria Beckham, even YOU don't look good with a tapered leg. It's true.

I think what has brought this to the forefront of my world is being back in school. That's right...I'm back in school. I'm taking photography two nights a week at PCC, and I've never felt more out of touch when it comes to what I'm supposed to wear. But the great thing about being older is that I couldn't give less of a crap about what's temporarily hip.

And let's get one thing straight. This is not a jealousy thing...I'm not some bitter 30-year old that's envious of the nineteen year-olds running around in their tiny pants. I, in fact, pity their ignorance for wearing these tapered leg nightmares. All I'm thinking of when I see them is how it looks like they're strangling and suffocating their poor legs, and I want to release them from their denim prison. But trying to steal the pants off perfect strangers is what landed me in trouble the last time, and I have vowed to never see the inside of a mexican jail again.

And if you still insist on wearing skinny jeans, then I leave you with this image. Know that when you're sporting your bitchin' jeans, this is what the rest of us are seeing:


And on a side note, I think I just felt an earthquake. favorite. And I've got news for you people, earthquakes come after people in skinny jeans. Beware.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Dear Boss....

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12 -18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job. Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out....

Thursday, September 4, 2008

ESL issues at Havana Mania

Ro, Grant, and I just gorged on a HUGE dinner at Havana Mania in Redondo Beach. At the end of the meal, our waiter came to collect our three credit cards for the check, and said the following:

"You like three ways?"


Monday, September 1, 2008

We get it.

A statement to all field reporters covering Hurricane Gustav today:

It's windy. It's raining. No one is doubting that...after all, it's a hurricane. We all get it, we PROMISE. Now please go inside before you get impaled by the roof of a gas station.


P.S. And to Fox News, I love that you always send Geraldo Rivera to the most dangerous places on the planet, which includes to Louisiana for the hurricane. It's like you're actually trying to get him bumped off. Keep up the good work.

Label me as cold-hearted for such a statement, but his mustache drives me insane.