Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Favorite Word.... DOUCHEBAG. As any of my co-workers know, I LOVE saying "douchebag". And actually, it turns out that typing it is quite entertaining for me as well. And it can be used in it's modified forms as well (i.e. douchebaggery or douchebaggedness). It's the 12 year-old in me, but the idea that you can insult someone by telling them they're a sack of vinegar and water makes me giggle.

Douchebag is the only word that isn't an actual cuss word, yet still satisfies just as much when it rolls off the tongue. And it comes without the guilt of an F-bomb. Don't get me wrong, I'm not likely to shout out "douchebag!" at church this Sunday. I'm not completely devoid of social graces. I know the appropriate time and place.

Many thanks to all you douchebags that continue to come back and read the mindless trash that is this blog. :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

More Online Dating Ridiculousness....

In previous posts, I've mentioned some of my disturbing contacts from the free dating site, Plenty of Fish. I said I was done with internet dating sites, and I meant it. I'm burnt out on conversing with horny dillholes. However, I haven't taken my profile off the site yet, because the messages I get are such FABULOUS blog-fodder that I can't bring myself to cut it off completely. I just sit back, relax, and read the asinine messages that roll in. Like this one from earlier today:

hi can i chat with you, dont worry i will get a vasectomy so i will never ever get you pregnant ok, now can we chat.

The grammer nazi that I am isn't going to go into the horrific run-on sentence this is, or it's use of incorrect punctuation. The fact is that a man I've never talked to, MUCH LESS EVEN MET, has offered me the "gift" of his vasectomy.

Has 21st century wooing evolved into offering a snipped vas deferens? Call me old-fashioned, but I'd rather just be given a bunch of daisies. Yeah, thanks.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Explaining the Unexplained....

For years, mysterious crop circles have appeared in fields that cannot be explained. But here in Pasadena, we don't have any fields to be puzzled over. But we do have miles of concrete, which is the perfect breeding ground for another unexplained phenomenon:


I've seen many a pavement poop circle in the 8+ months I've lived here, but I never seem to have my camera with me to document the weirdness. Until today. I wonder why this person has made THIS their personal mission. Maybe they think it's their civic duty to save the bottoms of their fellow citizens' shoes via chalk circles. Maybe they want to scold lazy dog walkers. But whatever the reason, there's undoubtedly some passion behind it.

And the Pasadena Poop Circler (PPC) will change things up a bit. Sometimes they will deviate from the simple circle, and draw a cute little cloud around the pile of dung. And if it's laying in the grass adjacent to the sidewalk, they will draw a helpful little "POOP------>" , with a helpful arrow pointing towards it.

Who is the PPC? A courteous crapping canine possessing incredible dexterity with a piece of chalk? But the most likely's probably just an eccentric Pasadena poop-a-phobe. But I still like the idea of a artistic dog with chalk and endless bowel movements. Let me live in my fantasy world.

My ultimate dream in this situation is to find some brown chalk to draw a small likeness of a swirling pile of doo next to the already established circles. Just to see if my chalk drawing gets a chalk circle from the elusive PPC.

Hmmm. I wonder if CVS is still open. And sells colored chalk.

NOTE: Devoting an entire post about feces makes me think I should clear up any confusion: I am a 30 year-old woman, not a 13 year-old boy. In case you were wondering.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

My Politically Incorrect Doggy Bag

I busted into some leftover thai food for dinner tonight. Upon closer inspection, I noticed what the take-out container said:I didn't think that referring to things as "Oriental" was acceptable anymore. Am I wrong? Or is this 1952?