Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Donde esta el gym-o?

Today is March 12. I turn thirty in exactly 2 months. I realized I didn't want to go into my thirties as lazy as I've been the last few months. There have been a bunch of reasons I fell out of my gym habit during the winter months....the holiday bustle, two vacations, three colds/flus, and a nasty spill down the stairs of my building (followed by weeks of soreness and bruising) all combined to create Lazy Winter Yen. And once that habit is broken, it's TOUGH to go back to a workout regimen.

But now there's no excuse...I have to get exercising again. Before, I was going at least 4 times a week, plus working in a yoga class whenever I could. I was in a good groove, and I know I can get there again. That cholesterol ain't gonna lower itself, people! So today, I went back to my Magic Johnson 24 Hour fitness in the ghetto of Altadena. I did it...and I even forgot my Zune, but I stayed and did my 30 minutes of cardio...well, it's a start! Of course, I picked an elliptical machine that was parked right in front of the TV tuned into Univision (A Spanish language TV station here in LA). Well, awesome. My first day back at the gym without music to listen to, and I'm forced to read SPANISH subtitles, while listening to the dude next to me cough every 8 seconds throughout his entire workout. Did he cover his mouth? Not once. Gross. Had I not already come down with every possible cold that was out there this year, I may have thrown a few obvious dirty looks his way, but I'm banking on my immunity being fairly stellar right now. Besides, what if I DID give him a dirty look, and it turns out he has lung cancer, and that's why he's coughing, and he's trying to go to the gym to keep himself healthy and prolong his life, so he can meet his grandchildren??? Then I'd feel like total crap. These are the things I think about. I needed my Zune to save me from myself.

Anyway, I huffed and puffed my way through the workout, all the while trying to stay distracted by Univision's 6 o'clock news. I was able to pick out a couple Spanish words here and there. I made it like a game...I'd know 1 or 2 words, then based on the pictures I could KIND OF figure out what they were talking about. Fairly impressive for a girl who took only French in high school and college. Like for example...did you know that Bea Arthur is pregnant with a litter of hamsters??? I KNOW! I was surprised too!

I want to petition Channel 4 News to do one of the things Univision does during their seemingly normal Spanish newscast. LA local news is such a disgrace to the field of responsible, accurate journalism that they might as well take this asinine step Univision took. They have a gentleman (I use the term 'gentleman' as loosely as humanly possible) named Walter Mercado that comes on for a few minutes and does astrology forecasts. Has anyone heard of this dude? I did a double take, because I assumed the person I was watching was a woman. Of course, for all I know, Walter Mercado could be some beloved figure in Mexican culture, and I've just offended people. But my gut tells me he's equal to how Americans see Richard Simmons. We're somehow endeared to him, yet puzzled (and just a tad frightened) by him all at the same time.

Check out the pictures below...this is what Walter looks like. "He" wears these long, flowing, sparkling robes. The ones he was donning today were absolutely infested with sequins and fake jewels. Think of Liberace dressed as a Renaissance Fair Queen, having a run-in with a Bedazzler, and you're starting to understand what I was seeing on the TV in front of me. At the gym. In the ghetto. I thought I was having a stroke.

Now, hear this, reader(s)...I'd encourage you all to do a little experiment the next time you're watching the evening news. First, watch a BBC's very serious, and it's just the facts, no spin at all. Plus they speak in a British accent, which makes everything sound terribly civilized, no matter what the topic is. After about 15 minutes, flip on Univision while Walter Mercado is on. Your brain will actually explode from the harsh transition. *It should be noted that pregnant women, the weak, or elderly should consult a physician before embarking on such a risky venture.

So that was my big welcome back to the gym after my 3 month hiatus. And you can bet your sweet bippy I'll be going back regularly, despite my run-in with Mr. Phlegm and Senor Sequins. I'm determined to head into my 30's looking and feeling good. But I will definitely have that Zune and headphones securely by my side. In fact, they're already in my gym bag, ready to go for visit #2. Take THAT, Univision.


Anonymous said...

WHat in the hell??!?! those pictures are ridonculous. hot damn.

Anonymous said...

Don't you DARE take Walter Mercado's name in vain. He is a living icon. He's also been gracing my profile page on myspace as someone I'd like to meet for YEARS.

You were probably watching him on Primer Impacto, which is fluff news, like Extra or Entertainment Tonight, so it's perfectly acceptable behavior to get your horoscope from a sequinned puerto rican spewing out sage wisdom. His is probably the most credible segment, now that I think about it.

You're just jealous because you couldn't understand him when he got to los tauros. Admit it. I'm right, I'm right. You know I'm right.

Jen said...

Robo, you're right, you're right. I know you're right.

I figured I'd offend the ethnics, but I'm SO glad it was're the most fun to offend! I'm finally putting two and two together realizing he's dude from your myspace.

I got schooled about Walter Mercado today by some of my co-workers that grew up with him. I learned a lot.

Jeff Wilcox said...

I want to quit the gym!