Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Truck Balls

Memo to Redneck Men of America:

Why? No, really...I want to know. WHY?

There is nothing more disturbing than the sight of Truck Balls when I'm driving around town. And now thanks to California's new cell phone law, I can't even call a friend to share in my disgust and get some consolation from what can only be described as being "visually violated". They're saggy. They're veiny. They're nasty. They're plastic. And NOW, one can purchase them in every color of the rainbow. Well, SUPER. Upper crust white trash go the extra mile and buy shiny silver ones. You know, to keep it classy. Obviously. Are these disgusting things everywhere? Or are Californians the only lucky ones?

If one is in the unfortunate situation of finding themselves on a date with a guy that drives a "ball-mobile", they should run the other way, fake malaria, or announce your grandma died. But if one chooses to stick out the evening, the following are things that can be safely assumed about this individual:

-his truck is absolutely compensating for something he's lacking in his own manhood.

-this is NOT someone to introduce to Mom and Dad.

-they're probably praying that the South will rise again.

-Trucks with nuts are often accompanied by NASCAR stickers as additional decor.

-the big white sheet with two eye holes that's lying in the truck bed is NOT a Halloween costume.

-"Dressing up" to this guy is wearing his newly-Febreezed Glamis t-shirt, along with the jeans with the fewest holes. Sexy!

**It should be noted that the number of 'truck nuts' per capita rises sharply when driving through the 909. If you have small children, and live in that area, you might want to consider blacking out your car windows, thus avoiding the conversation with your kids that goes something like this:

Billy: "Mommy, what's hanging on that truck?"

Mom: "Oh. Uh, those are testicles. Where are your travel games, dear?"

Billy: "I dunno. You mean, they're like mine and daddy's?"

Mom: "Kind of...only those are not real. Are you SURE your Game Boy isn't back there??"

Billy: "Yup. And Mommy, they're blue. Why would a truck have blue testicles?"

I don't have kids, but PLEASE tell me how you'd explain a truck's blue balls with a straight face. And I think that's what bothers me the most about these...kids end up seeing them. LITTLE kids. They can't miss 'em...they're right at eye-level with the truck (or, ball-level, rather). And as parents try to explain why some people choose to be so vulgar, you can actually watch their young, pure minds lose a bit of their innocence. All because some tool in Fontana wanted his truck to be a little more testosterone-y.


Wagontrain said...

Wow. Ya know, I haven't even seen those in Texas - California may be the only place "blessed" with these things. Don't think I'll be moving back until Will is 18. And south will rise again, huh? Since I haven't seen those in the south, does that reference a desire on the part of the fella driving the truck to purchase a bottle of Viagra?

Wagontrain said...

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I saw them TO-DAY! OMIGOSH THEY ARE MORE HORRIBLE IN PERSON! I don't know, maybe I just wasn't looking before - but today I was getting on the freeway with Dad and Brenda to take them to the Riverwalk and THERE THEY WERE on the back of some idiot's Suburban. They were pink by the way. Wow, I just can't believe that crap. Wow. That's all I can say. Wow.

Jeff Wilcox said...

I can do southern too...The south will rise again man!

Carol VR said...

I laughed so hard, but I got to admit I think their funny and 'NO' I haven't seen anything of the like here in CANADA.

Marcy - The Glamorous Life! said...

ooooo the ugly underbellie of California truck decor...just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than giant 'Famous' stickers in the shape of pistols, or the fake bullet hole stickers...then comes THIS. Good Lord. California" The land of Fruit and Nuts" I always say. I shall be on the look out for them now.....I am sure they will be on the truck with the confederate flag sticker blarring Lynard Skynard.