It's easier for me to be funny. It always has been. It's easy for me to write about truck balls, Jessie Spano, and Ted Kennedy's unflattering photos, but when it comes down to anything that's serious or might make me the slightest bit vulnerable, it becomes difficult for me to eloquently express it. Especially in this somewhat public forum.
This is the post I've been meaning to write for a while. The tag line for my blog says that this blog was created to be "A look at everyday life, DATING, and love of cheese through the eyes of Jen." The original focus of this blog was going to document my dating misadventures, because there have been SO MANY of them. But then, the absurdity of everyday life just kept happening before my eyes, and that became what my posts shifted towards. And can you blame me?! There's just so much ridiculousness out there to talk about!
There's a reason why I haven't written a post about my dating status in a while. Mostly, because there's nothing to share. Nothing has changed. I like a guy, we go out, we have a great time. Fully expect a 2nd date, and nothing comes of it. I actually just went out with a really nice guy last night, and I'm currently hoping for date #2. I think it might actually happen. But given my wretched track record, I'm just operating under 'cautious optimism' right now.
Simply put, I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed to admit that almost every guy I've gone out with in the last year (actually, 3 years) seems to end up on the back of a milk carton after date number one. Embarrassed that I keep failing and don't know why. I'm also afraid that's it's not actually these guys, but it's me, something I'm doing or putting out there. Afraid that everyone around me sees the reason why it keeps happening, but they want to spare my feelings and don't want to tell me what I'm doing wrong. Afraid I keep repeating a pattern of something unattractive or undesirable on these dates that I'm not detecting about myself. It pisses me off, because I pride myself on being self-aware, and right now I can't get a handle on what I'm doing incorrectly.
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Believe me, I wish I could stop this dating insanity. If I knew how to get that different result, I would. I go on a date with a guy...I'm funny, I'm easy to talk to, I'm MYSELF. And that's not going to change. So how do I get that different result without changing ME? And I know, I know...
"It's not you, it's him."
"He's just not that into you." (and yes, I've read that book)
Both valid points. And most of the time, I truly believe these theories. However, when EVERY date turns out the same way, I can't help but start to look inward, as I'M the one constant in this dating experiment, and the guys are the ever-changing variables. But most of the time, I try to take it in stride and stay positive. Tonight is just a needed venting session that's been building up. I don't mean to sound whiny, because I hate whiners. I don't want this post to come off as me throwing myself a pity party, and being just another woman complaining about men. There ARE great guys out there. I see examples of them EVERY day in my brother, my friends, husbands/boyfriends of friends...and that gives me hope. I don't subscribe to the notion of "all the good ones are taken". That's crap. What kind of horrible world would we live in if EVERY good guy of our 6 billion on Earth was already taken? I don't buy it. I know there's a reason God has decided to hold off on bringing someone to me, so it's just a practice in patience. And I BLOW at patience sometimes, but I'm trying to get better at it.
There are tons of people out there with similar gripes about the mystery of dating. I know I'm not the only one, and I take comfort in those stories. I continue going out. I continue trying. I continue to have faith. I HAVE TO. Otherwise, that's when we permanently turn bitter and cynical towards love. And the thought of that annoys me much more than the pile of dudes that haven't called back.
In a nutshell, bitter ain't gonna be happening to Yen, bitches.